How to Lose Your Self-Esteem in 10 Seconds...

I felt like shit earlier this week.  Very down, first depression cycle in a loooooong time! So why oh why did I think it was a good time to go try on bridesmaid dresses for my sister's wedding this summer?  Seriously the stinkiest brain fart I EVER had!

All you men reading this (if their are any) will never get it, but trying on dresses to wear for a day when you are up on a platform in front of at least a hundred people is nothing like playing dress up.  It's not fun in the slightest.  Nope, not at all.  It's pure stress!

Remember back in the day when all the bridesmaids wore the same dress in the same color?  How in the world did they do that???  First of all, no two women have the same body type and no two women look good in the same color.   Finding a dress that looks good on just two different women in the same color is baffling to me, let alone your whole bridal party.  Luckily, we do live in the age where it's a trend to have the maids wear the same color but a dress that suits each individual figure.  And even more luckilier (I made a new word!), I'm the only maid (or rather matron) in this wedding.  So I have carte blanche...

Should be easy then, huh?  Not so much. 

Let's take into consideration that I will be wearing dark purple.  Love the color, but not really a color I look good in or wear often.  But I can pull it off this time.  Just need a little more tanning to make sure it doesn't overpower my paleness.  Actually, to be quite honest, I couldn't even tell you what color looks "good" on me.  So never mind....

Then, let's remember that I am not the 125 pounds I was 10 years ago.  Not even close....4 kids later (including a twin pregnancy) + several trips through psychiatric medication to find the right one (which almost all inevitably cause weight gain to some extent) = 200 pounds.  Did I just say that out loud?  Yes, I am 200 pounds and 5'5".  To me, I look short and round in every dress I put on.  I say "to me" because almost everyone else doesn't see what I see...and absolutely no one else feels what I feel when I see what I see.  I see my flaws--the weird shoulder lines, the creases in my neck from the "neck fat" (that's a technical term, you know), the "side boob" fat (where the boob and armpit meet, that flub that is there), and of course, my tummy that looks like I'm 7 months pregnant (In fact, I mentioned that one dress looked good as a maternity dress and a woman in the dressing area said, "You look beautiful pregnant."  Thanks, Bitch!).

Mom and I pulled about 15 dresses.  I tried on 14 of them...because one was utterly ugly and I have no idea why my mother pulled it!  Oh, and my sister lives in Chicago, so although I would love to do this with both mom and Stef, not really possible.  The dresses ranged in short to long...spaghetti strap, strapless, one strap, halter, y-neck...chiffon, taffeta, organza, cotton sateen...ruched, pocketed, ruffled, draped, brooched, layered........I specifically said that I just wanted to try everything so that I could figure out what looked good on me (if anything) and what did not (most of it)...and more importantly, which ones made me feel comfortable and confident.

Now, let's pick all of these styles apart.  Ooh and I got pictures!  Not of me, of course, but of extremely thin women who look good in any dress at all:

Length.....No preference really.  But tea-length (pictured) is absolutely hideous on me.  I feel like it makes me look shorter and some what stubby.  Does that make sense?  Well, that's the word I feel anyway.

Straps:
Spaghetti straps....They cut into my shoulders and they push down the extra cushioning I have there making me look funky.  Also, I have huge boobs (also a result of the pregnancies) so spaghetti straps just don't cut it.  Definite no-go.

Strapless....Did I mention the boobs?  Nope, not gonna go there.

One Strap...This didn't look too terribly bad but I felt naked on the bare shoulder.  I can't give one shoulder cover and not the other.  It's just not fair!

Halter...Halters tend to make me hunch forward because it pulls behind my neck.  Also, my shoulders felt naked.  Poor shoulders.

Y-Neck...Have you seen these?  They are beautiful for anyone with slender shoulders.  I love it!  Unfortunately my boobs are huge which makes my chest broader...and I have shoulder fat (also a technical term).  It just didn't look right on me.

Conclusion:  We need a tank top kinda strap with at least a one inch width.

Material:
My sister's wedding is at a vineyard in California in the middle of the summer.  It's going to be HOT!  Well, the ceremony is outside so that will be hot.  But the reception is in the winery which is obviously kept cool.  So how do I pick a material that will work for both?  Chiffon is a very soft, flowy fabric and is what we have been looking at the most.  But I really haven't ruled out any fabrics.  Some of the heavier fabrics lay better on my belly giving me a somewhat slimming effect.  Again, it's what I feel comfortable in and what allows me to feel confident.  But I can say that I've tried on dresses that make me hot (and sweaty) just getting into them.  So I usually rule those out.

Style:
What does "ruched" mean?  It's where they bunch the fabric up.  It's supposed to give a slimming effect.  I don't believe who ever said that was ever more than 110 pounds. Just sayin'....

The flowy layered look was good at hiding some bulges.  This is a definitely possibility...(In fact, this dress is in the top two.  Unfortunately, it has no straps, so we are trying to figure out if we can somehow have a seamstress help make some kind of straps....Ew that just sounds like too much work!)

One other one I liked was the cotton pocked skirt.  It just felt like it hid the tummy quite well.  Unfortunately, couldn't find this skirt with a top that would fit me right.

Now that we've picked them apart, did I find anything?  If I had my way, I would take pieces of several dresses and make the perfect one.  But I don't have a fashion designer at my fingertips....or vast amounts of money to hire one.  Sooooo, we shall settle.  No, wait, that's a bad way of putting it.  I'm not going to "settle".  I'm going to pick the one that I feel best in.  So far, here's the one:

Perfect staps/boob area.  Thicker skirt than I wanted because I didn't want to get too hot, but I think I can manage.  And I like where the waist lies (above my pregnant looking tummy, so it hides it well).  Oh and this is the color too.  Not bad...

I'm not done looking though.  Yes, this epic journey in search of the perfect dress makes me feel like shit about myself, but I'm going to do this for my sister.  And for myself.  I deserve to feel pretty even when I feel fat.  Right?  Right!

PS  After leaving the store and feeling utterly miserable about my body, I had the bright idea to go look for a new bra.  Now, if you have size 40 D or bigger boobs you will know and understand that finding a cute bra is absolutely impossible.  Most bras don't come in our sizes...only the biggest ugliest ones do.  And to make matters worse they actually truly have sizes like 32 D.  I'm going to smack the next chick that buys a 32 D!  (And trip anyone under a size 10!)