Thursday, December 20, 2012

I'm all alone...

Yah, I haven't written in a while.  I know.  I don't feel like excuses right now either.  Who really cares?  Does anyone really want to read and follow my life?  Doubt it.  But there comes times every now and again where there's so much in my head and heart that I need to say it somewhere.  So I'm back...for this post...maybe more.  Who knows...

I have a lot of people who love me and care for me.  I'm grateful for that.  I don't want anyone to think I'm not.  But the fact is, everyone needs more than that.  Everyone needs to feel as if people like them, as if people want to spend time with them.  Everyone wants to feel needed.  I don't.

Like I said, a lot of people love me.  We have over 500 people that follow the life sagas of the Sawyer family through Tyson's page on Facebook.  We have a huge extended family, and a community that loves us.  I know that if I was in need of something, say money or food or physical help, I know that I would have a ton of people jumping to help me out.  I know that, I appreciate that.

But I'm lacking people who like me.  I am lacking people that want to spend time with me.  People that ask me to do stuff with them, ask me to be a part of things.  Basically, I'm lacking belonging.

I feel like I don't have friends.  Yes, I have people I call friends.  I wish there were two words I could use to describe what I need and what I have.

I need someone in my life that wants to spend time with me.  Someone to call me up and ask me how I'm doing.  Someone to make plans with.  Someone to go shopping with, to go out to dinner with, someone to get together with so our kids can play.  I need someone that I can pop in on unexpectedly because I'm having a bad day and I just need a hug.  I need someone who is genuinely happy to see me when they run into me at the grocery store.  I need someone who is excited to spend time with me for a night out.

I need to not feel left out.  I need to not feel like people are talking behind my back (whether it's happening or not, I just need to feel comfortable enough not to feel that way).  I need to not feel like I'm too fat or too ugly or not good enough.

I have really tried to be the person to make plans myself or ask others to do stuff with me. I have offered to help friends in order to make them like me more or feel like I am part of their pack.  But when you feel like it's always you doing things and they aren't, it hurts.

I'm in a bad place right now.  I just had a really hurtful thing happen to me.  I called Luke and my mom to cry to.  But I don't feel like it was enough.  I need that friend who knows something is wrong and brings over a bottle of wine, let's me cry for a few minutes then reminds me that I'm not alone.  But I am.  I'm all alone.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday on Thursday

WOOT!!  Back to 211!  So according to the Taylor Rule's of Dieting, I get to have 3 candy bars!!  Yeee-ah!  Ok ok, I'm not going to do that.  But I did reward myself with a small shake and only drank half of it.

Starting Weight:  211 lb
Today's Weight: 211 lb
Goal: 150 lb

61 pounds to go!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday?

Naw, not so much.  I forgot to weigh myself this morning at the feeding clinic.  But Ty get's weighed and measured tomorrow morning, so I'll ask to use the scale myself.

But, I am happy and proud to say, I have been doing very well with my eating.  I haven't been following Luke's and my rules to a T, but I'm still doing well.  I haven't been snacking during the day as I have been at the clinic.  Sure I could eat if I wanted, but I just really haven't felt like snacking.  Busy-ness helps with that!

Sooooo...I'll be back tomorrow with my weight.  Hopefully it's less than 214....

Saturday, July 7, 2012

FMF: Story: The Picky Little Prince

What's an FMF?
Five Minute Friday...but I never adhere to five minutes.  I'm a rebel.  It's free writing with no thinking.  Just writing.  TheGypsyMama gives you a word and you just write about it.  Whatever comes to mind...  Ready?


I sat and stared at the computer screen for ten minutes after getting this word yesterday.  There!  My five minutes are up!  Woot!  Naw, it doesn't work like that.  I love writing and I want to do it.  So I went about my day just thinking about the word "story".  What story could I tell?  Should I make something up?  What would be interesting for my loyal fans (all two of them) to read?  Should I talk about food some more since that is like all the subject matter I have lately?  Which reminds me, did you know that 25 Swedish Fish are only 150 calories??!!  Mmm....gummy goodness...

But I digress....a story.  Let's tell a story...

There once was a little prince.  He was the pickiest prince one would ever meet.  This prince would not eat.  He would tell you he loved bananas.  But really, he only loved them because they are yellow.  Give him a peeled banana on a platter...heck, smother it in ice cream, chocolate, nuts, whipped cream, and a cherry on top, and he would turn up his nose.

The prince was very little.  The king and queen and all the royal doctors were concerned about him.  He would not eat a bite.  Soon the decision was made that he needed help with eating.  "We must teach him to eat!" said one of the royal doctors!

"Teach him?" murmured the people of the court.  How do you teach someone to eat?  Aren't they born with that desire?

The queen took the prince to a far off land.  There they stayed for a month and a half.  Every day, the little prince was offered food.  He would refuse it like always, but if he tasted it he would get a reward.

A bandaid for a bite?  YES!

15 minutes of Spiderman for three bites?  YES!

A call to Gramma when you finish it all?  YES!!

Soon the little prince was eating everything...especially bananas on a platter smothered in ice cream, chocolate, nuts, and whipped cream with a cherry on top!


Oh how I wish this story would come true over the next couple of months!  I know this is going to be a long, hard road.  I hope I have the strength.  I'll just come back to this story and remind myself that it will happen...

The Picky Little Prince

Five Minute Friday

The Rules

On Tuesday, Ty and I leave for Grand Rapids for his intensive feeding program.  We will be living there during the week since he has to be there all day long Monday through Friday.  Luke said this morning that we should make some food rules and both stick to them while I'm away.  So here they are:

1.  No snacking after 7pm.
2.  No fast food during the week except for Subway.
3.  Replace one meal a day with a salad.

Not too hard, right?  I think I can, I think I can...

I hope I can...

I have a hard time with the fast food thing when Tyson has appointments.  I hate cooking, I'm too lazy to do it.  So I tend to just fall back and eat what is made for me.  It's just so easy.  But I have extra motivation this time (besides the 60+ lbs I want to lose).  I need to save money.  I can't just go eat somewhere.  I need to make my own stuff.  I need to stick to it.

Tyson and I will be so busy that I'm pretty sure I won't be snacking much.  I tend to snack when I am bored, so if I am away from food and doing something, I won't eat.  That's the theory anyway.

I can do this!

Friday, July 6, 2012

5QF: Love, Pets, Sugar, Babysitting

What is a 5QF?
It's a 5 Question Friday!  I know I have a lot of followers that don't even know who I am, so I thought I would start this one to give you all a little insight in to me.  We'll see if I like it.  Basically, five random questions from 5CrookedHalos.  You can join in too if you'd like!  Make sure you share your link with me below in my comments!

1. Is love at 1st sight possible?
No, I do not believe it is.  But everyone has a soulmate and when you meet that person you automatically have that intense connection.  So love at first "sight"?  No.  Love at first meeting?  Sometimes.

2. How did you choose your pet's name?
Our Jelly Bean passed away in April.  It was very sad.  She was originally named "Sally" after my very good friend.  But it didn't feel right.  So my husband and I just made a list of names.  I jokingly said "Jelly" when looking at food in our kitchen, and it just sounded right.  We gave a few names to our daughter, and she picked Jelly.  Shortly after that, she became Jelly Bean, Jelly Belly, Jels, Beanie, Jell Bell, Beaner...  I miss her.

Ernie was originally "Ninja".  I chose the name to make him have a connection to my hubby.  Not that Luke is a ninja, but he fantasizes about it.  Two or three days after we got him and had been calling him Ninja, my mom started calling him Ernie as a joke saying that he looked more like an Ernie.  Then Ty started calling him that, and it just stuck to him.  His official name is "Ernie the Ninja".  We call him Ernie, Ernie Bernie, Ernest, Ernest Bernest, Ninja, Minja (how one of our sons used to say it), Peanut Butter, Wallaby...  so many others.

Kiwi was way different.  We actually chose her name before we met her.  I made a list of names that I liked.  Luke vetoed several.  Each time I would meet a potential new member of our family I would see if any of the names "fit".  Then when we met our Kiwi, I took a picture of her and sent it to Luke with the caption, "Is this a Kiwi?"  He wrote back and said, "That's a Kiwi."  And the rest is history.  I really liked this method because it felt like she was definitely the one for us.  I love her to pieces!!

3. What are you considering giving up (cable, home phone)?
Sugar.  I've noticed over the last week with me trying to consciously eat better that I eat a lot of sugar.  Candy, chocolate, ice cream.  I don't want to give it up completely, but I think I need to remove it from my house.  Damn temptations!

4. How much do you pay your babysitter?
Nada.  Our family does our "baby sitting".  We never could have a baby sitter who was not trained in Tyson's medical needs, so we had to rely on family.

5. How "young" is old enough to babysit?
I started baby sitting at like 11.  I think I would let Annie baby sit her brothers at that age, but not other kids.  I think 13 is better.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Weigh In Wednesday #1

I'm embarrassed to say I am at 214 this morning.  211 to 214?!!  How did that happen?  Well, I'll tell yah:  It's that "time of the month".  God's cruel joke to make any woman gain or lose 5 lbs daily.  Bah!

Starting Weight:  211 lb
Today's Weight: 214 lb
Goal: 150 lb

64 pounds to go!