You know you've gained too much weight when....

...you still wear your maternity clothes even though you haven't been pregnant for almost 5 years...and they are even too small.
...you can't cross your legs because your thighs run into each other.
...your boobs spill out of the top of every bra you own.
...your kids tell you that you're the best pillow.
...you wear your husband's clothes more than your own.

I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.  But I have a damn good reason for it:  freaking bipolar medications.  About 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds on my own!  Then I started Seroquel and gained it all back over the next 6 months.  My psychiatrist told me that Seroquel blocks the part of the brain that tells you that you are full.  So that ravenous feeling I constantly had I can blame on the medication.  That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

But in all honesty, I love to eat.  And the things that are so not good for you are my favorites.  I love cheese and bread.  I love sweets.  I'm an ice cream addict.  Fried foods are to die for! Mmmmm burger......  Ok, enough, I'm drooling now.

At the beginning of 2011, Luke and I changed our diets completely by replacing healthier foods for the not so healthy ones.  We did pretty well for 2 or 3 weeks, but if we are being truthful with ourselves, the replacements really didn't taste like the real deal that we were constantly craving.  We quit the replacements and tried to just eat what we like, just in moderation instead.  That took about a week to go out the window.  Sigh...I have such horrible will power!

I have this theory that since I maintain the weight I am at (200 lbs) with my normal diet and activity level, that if I change just one of them, I should see results.  After all, the first time I lost 50 lbs, all I did was eat better, no exercise changes.  We failed miserably at the whole eating thing, so I tried tackling the exercise thing.

I loathe exercise.  I've never been one to like it.  I mean, even back when I was thin and fit, I was athletic (could kick anyone's butt in a race) and energetic (or manic, one of the two), but I hated actually buckling down and doing anything that was considered exercise.  In fact, I studied karate from 11 to 16 (yah, I even have my blackbelt!), and during classes we had to warm up with exercise type stuff (sit ups, push ups, etc).  I lazily went through that, and then when we got to the real karate stuff, I was back in full force.  Exercise is not fun to me.  I don't get the people who are addicted to exercising.

In January, we bought a Wii.  I was super excited because I could play games (which were fun) and still be exercising (or at least tricking myself into exercising without even knowing it).  We got the Wii Fit bundle, the sports resort games, and Just Dance 2.  For a good few weeks, I was doing pretty well.  I would commit to at least 30 minutes a day playing the Wii to get myself up and moving (hey, it was better than nothing, which is what I was previously doing).  I liked that I was competing against myself in many of the games.  Having that drive to beat my last score (or crush anyone else's saved score) was motivating.

But soon I got bored.....and my knees hurt, my left foot was having issues, my back ached.  I quit again.  How does a fat person exercise when all it does is hurt like hell?  I'm getting old.  No gray hairs, but damn, my joints hurt.  From my knuckles to my shoulders, to each individual vertebrae in my back to my hips, my knees, my ankles...I'm in pain when I do any kind of exercise....even walking to the park and back (which is a block away).

It's an endless cycle...meds caused weight gain, weight gain makes me depressed even though meds are working, try to go off meds to lose weight, get depressed because meds were fixing the depression issues, go back on meds, gain weight back....then add in the more weight I have the more my joints hurt, so I need to lose weight to be able to lighten up on my joints, but to lose weight I need to exercise, and that hurts.  AHHHHHH!

Like I said, I'm working on it.  No pain, no gain, right?  Wait, shouldn't that say, "No pain, no lose?"  Anyway, I'm trying.

On another note, I wanted to point out something that I am sure everyone does.  Have you ever seen an overweight lady who's clothes are too small and unflattering?  And your immediate thought is "Ew, gross!"  Right?  Let me give you something to think about.  Maybe that woman is on medications for bipolar, kidney disease, diabetes, high blood pressure or seizures, or even birth control or steroids for breathing problems and other illnesses, that is causing her to gain weight.  Maybe she can't really afford to get a whole new wardrobe because of the weight gain, so she's just trying to make the best of what she has in her closet.  Maybe her bigger clothes that she did purchase when she gained weight are all in the laundry so she's wearing what's left.  Maybe her child spilled something on the shirt she was wearing earlier that fit her better and she had to grab something else to wear.  Maybe her house burned down and the only clothes she has are the things people donated to her.  So now do you think, "Ew gross!"?  Naw, she seems a little more acceptable, right?

The fact is you do not know everything about anyone, so judging them isn't really fair.  And you all like me, right?  Well, everything about that woman (except the house burning down) applies to me.  So are you thinking, "Ew gross!" still?  Just something to think about. :-)