Yah, I haven't written in a while. I know. I don't feel like excuses right now either. Who really cares? Does anyone really want to read and follow my life? Doubt it. But there comes times every now and again where there's so much in my head and heart that I need to say it somewhere. So I'm back...for this post...maybe more. Who knows...
I have a lot of people who love me and care for me. I'm grateful for that. I don't want anyone to think I'm not. But the fact is, everyone needs more than that. Everyone needs to feel as if people like them, as if people want to spend time with them. Everyone wants to feel needed. I don't.
Like I said, a lot of people love me. We have over 500 people that follow the life sagas of the Sawyer family through Tyson's page on Facebook. We have a huge extended family, and a community that loves us. I know that if I was in need of something, say money or food or physical help, I know that I would have a ton of people jumping to help me out. I know that, I appreciate that.
But I'm lacking people who like me. I am lacking people that want to spend time with me. People that ask me to do stuff with them, ask me to be a part of things. Basically, I'm lacking belonging.
I feel like I don't have friends. Yes, I have people I call friends. I wish there were two words I could use to describe what I need and what I have.
I need someone in my life that wants to spend time with me. Someone to call me up and ask me how I'm doing. Someone to make plans with. Someone to go shopping with, to go out to dinner with, someone to get together with so our kids can play. I need someone that I can pop in on unexpectedly because I'm having a bad day and I just need a hug. I need someone who is genuinely happy to see me when they run into me at the grocery store. I need someone who is excited to spend time with me for a night out.
I need to not feel left out. I need to not feel like people are talking behind my back (whether it's happening or not, I just need to feel comfortable enough not to feel that way). I need to not feel like I'm too fat or too ugly or not good enough.
I have really tried to be the person to make plans myself or ask others to do stuff with me. I have offered to help friends in order to make them like me more or feel like I am part of their pack. But when you feel like it's always you doing things and they aren't, it hurts.
I'm in a bad place right now. I just had a really hurtful thing happen to me. I called Luke and my mom to cry to. But I don't feel like it was enough. I need that friend who knows something is wrong and brings over a bottle of wine, let's me cry for a few minutes then reminds me that I'm not alone. But I am. I'm all alone.