Popular

I have 15 followers...and apparently lots more readers than that because I keep getting messages from friends and have people stop me and say, "I read your blog and totally relate!"  I didn't think I would really be concerned about getting readers to my blog.  It's all about me being able to get the millions of thoughts out of my head, not becoming popular.  But man, it feels good when someone praises my writing and even better when someone says, "I've been there too.  Thanks for showing my I'm not alone!"

I was never popular growing up. In fact, I would be willing to bet that more people disliked me than liked me in Middle and High School.  I had this uncanny ability to make people hate me before opening my mouth.  Mind you, although this is close to having magical powers, it was not a talent I enjoyed possessing.  I never had close friends in school either.  I had people I chatted with in class, and I had a lunch table I crashed every day.  But there was never a place where I felt completely comfortable and welcome.  I was very lonely.

As much as I don't want to admit it, acceptance is important to me.  I'm not actively pursuing being accepted by all, but when someone says to me that they enjoy my company or like to read my blog or my status updates on Facebook, it feels like Christmas.  After going through many years of my life feeling like no one liked me or cared about what I said or did, I finally have people who tell me I'm worth knowing.

Also not purposefully, I still get really down on myself when people don't like me.  About a year ago, one of my favorite cousins deleted me as a friend on Facebook.  I've been deleted by people before and I am sure there are tons of people I am "friends" with who hide my postings, but this one hurt a little more and I'm still resentful about it.  When I found this out, I stopped updating my status for a few days thinking I was annoying all people. If someone I was very close to thinks I'm that annoying, then obviously I need to stop existing in the fashion that I am.

After I didn't "talk" on FB for a few days, I had a message on my wall from someone asking if things were ok because they hadn't seen me posting.  They said, "I miss you!"  And they didn't see me at all except for on Facebook.  So this person missed who I am as I am.  I came to this conclusion:  I can never please all of the people all of the time....And those who do not like me as I am, aren't worth it.

It still hurts when a friend deletes me, I won't lie.  Who knew denied friend requests, being hidden, or un-friending would be so harmful to my self-esteem (and many others' too)?

So friends, I feel like such a needy person saying this, but you cannot read my mind (I've tried and I'm pretty sure that mind-reading power is non-existent to mere mortals), your comments and encouragement, your interest in passing on my blog to others who you think should read it, your messages to me just to see how I am doing and chit chat, are soooo much appreciated and important to me.  Keep doing it!

PS  I love Wicked.  As soon as I started writing this blog this song popped in my head.