Thirrrrrty, Not so Dirrrrrrrty?

I need to have a pity party.  My therapist recommended I do this (yes, I see a therapist, I'll explain why at a later date).  She said it's ok to feel like I'm leaving something behind as long as I look forward to what is coming next.  30 means "growing up" in my mind.  30 means stuff that happened before won't happen again.  30 means stuff that I wanted to happen before but didn't happen may not happen now.  But I'm supposed to look at what 30 can bring to me.  What will happen in my 30s that couldn't happen in my 20s?  Let's delve into this, shall we?

What happened in my 20s:

• Attended college at Michigan State University (Loved dorm life!)
• Lived on my own...all by myself...me and my dog Abby...no roommates, no significant others, no kids...
• Drove a sports car
• Starred in theatrical productions (I'm a theater geek!)
• I was skinny.
• Went to the bar with friends...well, not really. I think in total, I have gone to a bar to dance with friends less than 10 times.  I'm pretty lame.  But what I'm getting at here was that I could go.  Or at least that was the norm for "20s".
• I had infinitesimal freedom.  It was all about me.  I didn't have to worry about anyone else, I could come and go as I please, I could do anything at the drop of a hat...
• Worked in meaningless jobs just to make money but didn't really care if they made me happy or not, I just knew they weren't "forever"
• I dated.
• I married.
• I had children.
• I had all those baby things--itty bitty feet, that smell of their peach fuzz hair, them falling asleep on my chest--and the toddler things--learning to walk, learning to talk, all the milestones.

Many of these things will never happen again and that brings a sense of mourning in a way. 

Dorm life is out of the question....I'm pretty sure universities (not to mention the students) frown on four maniac children running around dorms. 

The sports car...well, that may happen again, but not for a while, at least until we win the lottery that is. 

The freedom to do what I please is gone, I think about 5 other individuals every time I do as little as rip a fart now. 

Theater? I  can do it, it's just difficult because I have to take into consideration that I have practices every night for 2 months and I also have 4 children, a husband and 2 businesses to contend with. 

Dating?  Eh, I don't miss that anyway!  Well, I guess I miss the excitement of the new experiences. But I'm ok with that.

Which brings us to babies....sigh...this is a sore subject for me.  I have four children. I love them.  I really don't want anymore than what I have.  But there's this thing about babies that just makes my maternal instincts run rampant and makes me want to get pregnant over and over again.  That can't happen.  First of all, because I have my tubes tied for two reasons: 1) 4 kids is pretty darn daunting, 2) pregnancy does not agree with my body!  Seriously, I have experienced almost every single pregnancy complication known to man and have almost died with every birth AND almost lost each of my children with each birth.  So yah, not getting pregnant again.  But I can't stop feeling jealous when my friends and family are feeling baby kicks for the first time, picking out cute baby names (and not taking my suggestions), having baby showers, etc.  I miss the baby-ness.

Enough looking back.  Now we must turn this around and see why this is good.

What can happen in my 30s:

• I get to nurture my relationship with my husband and grow old with him.
• My kids will be going through elementary school, preteens and into teendom in the next decade.
• I get to hone my craft and become a famous and much sought after photographer making millions of dollars.
• I can explore my joy of philanthropy bringing education about and acceptance of children with special needs and medical conditions to more of the public.
• As my kids grow older and we have the money, we can travel and make memories that will last forever.
• Maybe I'll write a book....but we'll start with this blog.
• I'm going to go skydiving...and I never even thought about doing it until about a year ago....and I'm terrified, but it's something new to look forward to.
• I learned to crochet and I love it! (Wait, does that make me sound even older?)
• I'm going to travel...I'm going to get my husband's ass (a cute ass, mind you) off the couch and get him out of his comfort zone and explore something new--backpack in Europe (and crash at Sally's house), rummage through the Mayan ruins (and find an immunity idol), soak up some rays on a beach in Jamaica...
• I'm going to lose this weight....I will I will I will!
• I'm getting another sports car come hell or highwater dammit!

Truth be told, this entire blog took me all day to write.  This is so hard.  I'm trying to mourn the things I am saying goodbye to and move on to those I get to embrace, but I'm having a really hard time letting go.  I need some time.  So I SAID I'm 30....but I'm still not accepting it....but I'm getting closer.