Almost everything I do, think, or say goes through this question first. Not that I have to answer to her, but the therapy program I am in makes me reevaluate a lot of my behaviors, thoughts, urges, emotions, etc. She's my sounding board. I already have the answers in my head, she just helps me find them. Much like this blog actually. I know a few of you readers are very much like me with that ever flowing river of thoughts that makes it so hard to find just one of those thoughts and formulate it into something useful, so you will know what I mean when I say it makes life easier to have someone there to guide me through my thoughts. That sounds some what dependent. But as scary as it sounds, I will have a time in my life where Julie is not there to help me with this anymore, so the time I do have with her now is teaching me how to do this myself. And the blog helps too.
At any rate...What brings this up? Oh, a barrage of feelings that are all jumbled up! I had a dip (which is what I call it and was surprised when Julie called it the same thing today, "How's your dip going?"). I feel like I'm on an upswing though. I don't feel like crawling into bed and shutting out the world completely anymore (completely being the operative word there). I am still crying at the drop of a hat, but I have reasons for that right now (including but not limited to a monthly visitor, sorry for the TMI). So I see the light at the end of this tunnel...and I don't see another tunnel in sight yet.
Still a "barrage of feelings", how finely that explains what is going on! I turned 30 and had to face a lot of "what happened happened and can't happen again" realizations....and the main one is the baby thing. My wise mind knows and understands that I cannot have any more babies. My body obviously is very anti-pregnancy since I have gone through every single pregnancy ailment known to man with each of my pregnancies (How many times can one person say "pregnancy" in one sentence?). I cannot risk my life and risk my children and my husband losing me. I have four wonderful children that I want to devote my every being to. Then there's money and space and those logistics to contend with.
But with all this inner knowledge, I cannot help the fact that I'm mourning what I cannot have again. Part of it is that Cooper and Tyson were so sick when they were born and their first year of life was not normal in any sense like any other newborn. I missed out on my babies being babies. Another part of it is that I was completely done having babies by the time I was 25, where as many other women in this generation are just beginning their families now in their 30s. So I'm forced into watching many of my friends and family (including my best friend Stef, and my sister Stef, two separate people with the same name) going through the excitement of pregnancy and newborn-dom. My envy is huge and taking over my life!
So WWMTS? She says that my feelings are justified. But now we have to accept them and move forward. I need to listen to my wise mind. Then I have to change "the cognitive ribbon" (a term she uses often). What does that mean? My feelings make sense and are happening for a reason. It's ok to have them, it's expected that they will happen. But my inner wisdom knows better than these desires. To change the cognitive ribbon, I need to stop yearning for my own baby and embrace everyone else's babies and the experience they are having. She also suggested since I have been through so much as a parent that I may want to offer myself up to all my friends and family as a coach of some sorts, allowing others to know that if they need help or someone to lean on or someone to bounce parenting stuff off of, I'm here.
How easy it would be to say, "Eh nah", and go on wallowing....How easy it would be to talk Luke into giving in to me and making more babies (even though I have my tubes tied, I'd find a way!)....It's easier to not work passed this. It takes a lot of effort to feel emotions and then not let them overtake me.
Let's start this moving on process with a pros and cons list...or rather just a cons list because I already got all the cutesie newborn baby crap stuck in my head as it is. Having babies is not all teeny tiny tootsies and warm unconditional loving snuggles. Nope, there's so much more to it that sucks. Yes, babies suck too. Let's examine this:
- Diapers. I'm soooooo close to having all my kids out of diapers. Tyson still wears diapers because he is tube fed, but we are getting closer to him using the potty. So the light at the end of that tunnel is in sight. Newborns need diaper changes every 2 hours at least. And we all know how much I hate poop!
- Sleep. Babies don't sleep very well through the night. Waking up every two to three hours to tend to them and then having the other children to tend to during the day making naps impossible....yuh, not enticing in the slightest!
- Spit up. I remember changing my and baby's clothes at least three times a day on many occasions back in the newborn days. And I constantly smelled like sour milk regardless of washing hands, changing clothes, etc.
- Money. Diapers, formula, new clothes every month because they never stop growing, nursery items (crib, changing table, etc), toys, bigger items (bouncy chair, jumparoo, swing, etc)....We don't have any of these things anymore. Luke and I were just talking about saving for a trip somewhere nice together. There goes that pipe dream!
- Envy from my other children. I would hate myself if my kids ever thought that I felt like they were not enough for me. Not sure if they would feel that, but still.
- Space. Right now we live in a four bedroom home. Luke and I have a room, Annie has a room (because she's the oldest and the only girl), Tyson has a room (because of his medical equipment), and Cooper and JJ share a room (because they are stinky boys). Worse, we only have ONE bathroom! Who built this house? They should be kicked in the knee cap for that design flaw!
- Time. All of our kids are in school full time now which gives me the opportunity to work more for my businesses. I get me-time too.
What about this new parent coaching idea? It's a good one, and I hope my friends and family to take me up on that. Feel free to ask me any time about anything having to do with kids. More likely than not I have experienced it, and if I haven't, I know someone who has and can send you off to them. Having this opportunity to help those I love means a lot to me. It also makes me feel like I am right there being a part of that baby's life.
Conclusion...no baby for me (although I have not completely ruled out maybe possibly adopting or fostering way way waaaaaay in the future)...find someone with baby and steal it for a few hours here and there. Yes, this is a good idea.
....And get working on WWMTS bracelets and shirt designs! ;-)
I can't have more babies, its physically impossible since I had my tubes tied after nearly dying carrying my girls. But I totally mourn what I can't have too. Its like I broke the baby maker but that biological clock still ticks and ticks and ticks. Good to know you have some of the same feelings I have, here I was thinking I was crazy! ;-) --Lori
ReplyDeleteJust a thought from an OLD Mom. Since you are past the baby stage.... Take time to enjoy your young children now....because soon you will realize they are no longer almost 5,6 and 8 and will be past the age where they enjoy just running and playing in the yard or at the park with Mom and Dad doing ANYTHING! They have fun just because ... and LOVE any time spent with Mom and Dad...loud or quiet time...just fun to play with your folks. Even though it can be a crazy and tiring time....Soon that "phase" will be gone too! ) :
ReplyDeleteSince your post when you lamented turning 30, there was so much that I wanted to say to you (and I promise I will, I just haven't had the time to sit for an hour and formulate my thoughts into a letter rather than a ramble), but anyway, one of those things was about you mourning not having any more children...
ReplyDeleteAs am (almost) 31 year old who is unlikely to have children in the very near future, one of my worries is that I will be in my 50s before my children are all grown up and independent. Like you, I have always wanted children (3 or 4) and I now wish that I had had children in my 20s (not that I made a conscious decision not to, but I have never been at that point in a relationship where children are the natural next step - although, as you know, I have had 2 very long term relationships in the last 12 years).
Soooooo, my point is, that I think you should embrace the fact that you are a young mum! That you have the energy to raise 4 children, plus run a million businesses, plus enjoy a thousand hobbies. And that when you are in your 30s, your relationship with your children will grow, because you will still be young and cool, and your kids will be growing into cool teenagers, so your bond will change. Then, in your 40s, your children will be more independent and you and your hubby will still be young enough to enjoy life, and another phase of your life will begin!
So, I have to get back to work now; I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts, I hope it didn't sound like as lecture (although as you are younger than me it does technically mean you have to listen to me), and I hope I have been able to get my thoughts over in way that is positive for you.
Love you long time.