"Sympathy is annoying, but support is welcome."
So true! I was far beyond my years.... *pat on back*
After writing back asking what the email was about, he informed me that I wrote it after a huge break up with my college boyfriend and a major down slide into depression. Funny how this applies so differently now!
One of the worst things anyone can say to a parent of a special needs child is "I'm sorry" or "You poor thing" or "You have your hands full" or "Bless your soul" or "You're a saint".... I fully admit this is the first thing that pops into my head when meeting others in predicaments close to mine, and in fact, I said to one of my peer special needs mommas last weekend, "Aren't you a saint?" I did, however, quickly catch myself after I said it saying, "Don't you hate it when people say that?" and we chatted about how it just kind of comes out.
The fact is that people do not know what to say when they meet special needs children (or anyone with disabilities for that matter). It's so hard to treat them "normal," I guess.
I'd like people to meet Tyson and ask him about Spiderman, the "guy" he's holding in his hand, or his awesome light-up Cars shoes. Instead, most people who meet him talk directly to me (as if he has no cognitive ability to know that they are standing in front of them). Where as when they meet Annie, per se, they ask her questions: What grade are you in? What dance classes do you take? Where'd you get that pretty dress?
Because of this, I meet other special needs children and quite often ignore their parent first and talk directly to them. In fact, when we ran into Tyson's friend and his brothers (2 of the three are on the autism spectrum) at the orchard last weekend, I immediately became best friends with the oldest boy who took me by the hand wanting me to see the goats with him because I talked directly to him. I showed him love and acknowledgement. I cannot tell you how much the smile on his face and his warm hand in mine filled my heart with joy! I dare you to do it sometime!
So I'm challenging all special needs parents here to help those outside our loop on how to handle this situation. I want to know what you think others should say to you when they find out you have a special needs child and what you would like others to say to your child to include them in the world. Has someone said something profound to you when realizing God blessed you with this special person? Please share.
I think this is an excellent blog you wrote! I often substitute in Special Ed classes and once we have the time/money to do it I am pretty sure I am going to go back for my master's in special education. I find it to be the most rewarding and the students are awesome! I used to do what you said, (talk to the parents, have a hard time talking directly to the child) but now after spending alot of time tutoring/teaching special needs children (and having some friends who have children with special needs) I always talk directly to them and see what a difference it really does make and how capable and wonderful the children really are! I'm so glad you wrote this advice to others!
ReplyDeleteIf I could choose what people say to me about Ida upon finding out that she has autism (since it isn't obvious with her) is "What's that like?" It's very open, doesn't imply that I should feel any certain way, and doesn't imply that it's a bad thing or a good thing. It also gives me a chance to inform them of what it's like in our lives, since it's different for everyone. For Ida, people approaching her is complicated. Right now I would welcome anyone to talk directly to her because she deserves to be acknowledged like you said, but a few years ago being talked to directly by an adult would have scared her, so sometimes I wanted them to ignore her.
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