For updates on Tyson, go here.
I've come to terms over the years that I have a mental illness and I will forever. I can deal with that. It's a disease like any others. Instead of insulin to control sugar, I take antidepressants and mood stabilizers to control sanity. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not afraid of it...it's just part of me.
I've often considered the fact that my kids are likely to have it as well. I've always watched their actions and behaviors closely for any signs that it's popping up so as to catch it before they don't know what's going on and lose all control. I never ever thought I would be faced with it with my 4.5 year old son.
Two times this week the psychologist has said that Tyson's episodes (the sudden anxiety a few weeks ago, and then the severe depression this week) are indicative of bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist said today that she believes he may have bipolar disorder and the medications made it present earlier than with anyone else by flaring up the extremes. I braced myself for this news since my kids were conceived...but I can't help but feel like I did it to him.
I know you are all going to say that I didn't do this as much as my mother and father didn't do it to me. But that's not going to stop that feeling that I am responsible for my son's mental illness. We all have those traits we carry genetically that we don't want passed on to our kids because they are a nuisance: frizzy curly hair, excessive freckles, allergies... But like diabetes, no one would ever want their worst enemies child, let alone their own child's genetics to hold their mental illness.
And unlike diabetes, mental illness cannot be measured by blood monitoring and lab work. It's all trial and error and close observation by a psychiatrist and psychologist and therapist and whatnot and so forth. I can barely handle this with my own crap, let alone now having to watch it in my son as well.
Now I know what my mom felt when I was spirally downward in my teens....