Falling

Hi, My name is Taylor, and I haven't cut myself since May 2010.

I've been in dialectical behavior therapy since then.  I've been alright.  Every once in a while I slip into depression...usually the two weeks surrounding my period.  During that time you will usually see me retreating to my bed to cry for a good long day or two.  Guess that beats doing it for two weeks at a time.

With every emotion I face, whether it be from external circumstances or internal circumstances, I work hard to use the skills I've learned in DBT to get through them.  "Effective"...that's a big word in DBT.  Am I being effective?  Is laying in bed for two weeks riding out the empty, hopeless feeling inside effective?  Is cutting a half inch line in my upper left arm effective?

I've been alright.  I've been able to be effective.  I've been able to do things to make my emotional swings not take over my life, and I've been able to live despite of them.  Instead of sleeping or cutting, I do other things to handle them.

Most of December was extremely emotional for me.  I've learned in DBT to find the root of the emotion, what is causing it.  Ernie ruining our house, my sister getting pregnant and then moving to California, illness that lasted 6 weeks, issues with a certain someone...  I had a lot that was weighing heavily on my heart.  I had a reason to be sad all the time.  Yet, I tried really really hard to just live past it.  It would go away eventually.  If it didn't take me over, it would get better.

Then January came, and now February.  And I'm down.  I swear I cry once a day at least.  More often than not I find myself weeping in the shower.  I feel lonely.  I feel hopeless.  And this time, I can't find the reason for it.  And I can't find the way to fix it except for just truck on in life and hope this imbalance passes.

The thing is that I have so much around me to not make me feel lonely and hopeless.  And who ever reads this isn't going to understand why I do...I don't even understand.  My heart hurts, and I don't even understand it.  I'm frustrated with myself not being able to fix that, and I'm frustrated with the world moving on without me.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about cutting my little gash in my arm to dull the pain.  I didn't do it.  But I thought about it.  This shows me that all the skills I am using from DBT, although they work so much and have done wonders in my life, I'm in something that can't be touched by them.

Where do we go from here?  I asked my psychiatrist earlier this week if he can adjust my meds around my period.  The week before and the week of.  It seems like that's when I fall the hardest, and then after the funk, I can't seem to get up entirely before I get smacked with it again.  He agreed.  My therapist seemed annoyed that I went to meds instead of skills.  But I've tried with the skills, and I'm falling even with them, so something else is going on.  It's chemical.  It's something that she can't fix, it's something that I cannot fix by coping skills.  I wish she would just succumb to that at some point because I always feel like she's rubbing my nose in the fact that I can't handle this with skills like a normal person would.  Luckily, I know when she's wrong about this, and I know to ask my psych for help.  Otherwise, I would completely fail this life thing.

For now, I will bear it, like I always do. I will go on with life as it won't stop for me.  I'll be fine.  I don't need anyone to treat me differently.  I don't need sympathy or concern.  I think I just need understanding...  I don't want to be closed off and have this all inside of me.