I will always need medication...and I accept that.

I have group therapy every Wednesday.  This one, unlike the DBT "classes" that I was doing last year, is not mandatory to continue my treatment.  It's basically a group of DBT "grads" who are just there to support each other.

I haven't gone in like 6 weeks, until yesterday.  I kind of went into it with ill will towards therapy because of Monday's debacle.  I had a poor attitude.  I didn't want to be there.  But one of my groupmates called me on Monday and asked where I have been.  So I figured I would go for them, for the members who have been wondering where I disappeared to.

I talked to one of the members that has the same therapist that I have.  She and I actually started this therapy on the same day, so we've been together for the last year and a half through this huge change in our lives to live by these general rules.  She asked me how I was feeling. I asked her if she meant physically or mentally/emotionally.  She said both.  I told her I was finally over the sinus infection crap that I've had for the last couple of months, but told her that I've been feeling more depressed than usual.  Then we got into what happened in therapy.  That I asked my doc to help me with meds, and that my therapist got "mad".

I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to have someone understand what I was saying.  She's had the same problem before.  She feels that the therapist is quite "anti-medication".  Or rather she's just giving us that air about her.  Both of us understand that using the skills to the max is of utmost importance, but having our therapist speak down about medication is very conflicting and hard to deal with.  After Monday's therapy session, I thought a lot about what my doctor says and what my therapist says and just came out of it so confused and frustrated that it made me even more depressed.  And apparently, I'm not the only one thinking/feeling that.

I intend on going to therapy as usual on Monday and explaining this.  I'm not interested in her discussing my medications any longer as I feel like she thinks they are a negative entity in my treatment.  I've seen me off meds, my psychiatrist has seen me off meds...there's no way I am ever going to go off of them, no matter how many skills I have "on board" in my life.  I may have borderline personality disorder but I also have bipolar disorder and that, my dears, is a chemical imbalance and needs medication to treat.  I need her to just understand that and get over it.  If not, I'm going to resent her and get nothing out of therapy, and that's not acceptable.

On another note, I've been feeling alright this week.  I've been keeping my hands constantly busy, lots of crocheting.  I've been giving myself tasks that I want to get done each day so that I actually do something instead of sit around and wallow.  Not that I was doing that, but having a list of stuff to do and getting to cross them off when they are done just raises my spirits a little bit.  I'm using my skills even though I feel resentful about them, even though I feel like giving up and rebelling against this therapy.