Torture

To catch you up:

Tyson was admitted to the PICU today for severe anxiety. 

This started on Friday night very suddenly.  He would yell "no" and cry constantly.  He would not tell us if he was in pain or scared or anything.  The only things he would say were "no" and "mommy".  He got approximately 6 hours of sleep on Friday night on and off. 

Saturday morning, he woke up and was fine.  He went to the Easter egg hunt with Luke and his brothers.  Ran around, had fun, all was fine.  About one in the afternoon, he started flipping out again.  This time Luke was there with me and we both decided we needed to find out what was wrong so we went to the emergency room.

While there, they found a small hair in his ear.  They irrigated it out and said that was probably what was causing his discomfort.  However, on the way home and all night long, Tyson acted the same way.  He slept approximately 4 hours that night.

Sunday morning, he was unconsolable.  We attempted to take him to church where he continued his strange behaviors.  He also started suddenly flinching and moving his eyes around like he was seeing things.  He was constantly terrified.  He was exhibiting extreme separation anxiety, if he wasn't touching me, he would be yelling for me.  We brought him to the emergency room again.  The doctors did a full physical work up, xrays, blood, urine, no signs of infection, no signs of pain.  They then did a head CT as they thought he was hallucinating.  In order to get the CT they gave him Versed, which brought him nearly back to normal (although quite drugged and loopy).  The CT results were normal, no tumor, brain bleed, or stroke.  Because the Versed made the hallucinations go away, the doctor assumed he was just having anxiety attacks and sent us home with Ativan and an appointment with our pediatrician the next morning.

Not 20 minutes from the hospital, it started again.  We got him home and gave him 2 Ativan.  It didn't help.  So we gave him another (as per docs orders) 2 hours later.  He fell asleep at 730pm and slept soundly (in my bed) until 530am.  As soon as he woke up, he started again.  This time the separation anxiety was even more heighten.  If I was looking away from him, he would scream my name.  He was also experiencing agoraphobia.  If we set foot out of my bedroom, he scream and writhed.

We brought him to his pediatrician at 9.  She knows him pretty well, and better, she knows me.  Because of my fear of what was going on, she knew something was very wrong.  She sent us back to the emergency room at Devos Children's Hospital calling them ahead of time saying we needed an admission.

Upon arrival at the ER, he was at his worst.  The same doc that saw him yesterday said immediately that he needed to be admitted and he had to be seen by a neurologist and possibly a psychiatrist.  We spent three hours in the ER before we were taken up to the PICU where he was admitted. 

The resident and the intensivist got a full medical history and examined him.  They called for a neurologist consultation.  In the mean time they gave him Ativan to try to calm him.  We got a dose of Ativan every half hour for an hour and a half.  He barely slowed down.  I begged for something else for him to make him feel comfortable.  They said they wanted the neurologist to see him first before sedating him completely.  About an hour later he was given valium and can now have it every six hours.  It didn't help either.  After 3 doses of Ativan and one of valium, he was still awake.

He has finally fallen asleep (and deeply) about two hours after recieving the valium.  Neuro has still not been in to see him.  Suppose they will be here tomorrow.  I will not let them discharge him until we have answers or he is completely back to normal.

As you know, we have been through quite a bit over the last 4.5 years with Tyson.  I've been very strong through it all, and most of the time, not very worried as I know my son very well.  This time, I'm terrified.  I feel like we are losing our baby boy.  He is not the same.  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  He won't tell us.  I can't fix him.

We need strength, we need peace.  God please be with us.  Please say your prayers.
Taylor

Furthermore....

Imagine watching your child get an immunization.  Now take that helpless feeling and multiply it by, oh, a million, then add the fact that it's lasting for hours upon hours...into days.  That's what I feel like right now. 

My son is being tortured.  Something is hurting him or scaring him.  Something is making him so uncomfortable, so incredibly disturb.  Something that is making him fight sleep, something that is making him beat on himself...

I don't know what to do.  Plain and simple.  I have nothing to offer him right now.  He goes into his fits, and I wrap my arms around him tight.  I hold his arms down so he can't hurt himself.  I've taken head butts to the face, been bitten in the chest, numerous scratches to my arms and neck.  All I want is for my poor son to not feel so tortured.

I don't want him drugged, but at this point, I don't know what else can help him.  You should see him right now, sleeping, so peacefully.  But I know that in a few hours, he will be throwing himself around in the bed, beating his head against the rails, scratching himself and anyone who helps him.  And during all of this, we will be waiting for the neurologist to see him, because they "can't just drug him".

Now imagine my torture inside.  I'm begging them to drug my son.  I'm thinking about tying him down to the bed to keep him from hurting himself.  Have you ever once imagined yourself saying that about your own child?

My son is feeling tortured, therefore, I am feeling tortured.  Please God help both of us...please please please.