Bitter

Through my year in dialectical behavior therapy, I've learned a lot about trying to view things from every different angle and to let go of things that I cannot control as to not let them run me into a negative depression.  I've done very well.  I've seen the positive more than ever.  I've walked away from things that anger me because there is no point in bitching about it.  I've found joy and contentment in my life, and strive to lead a positive existence.

With that said...I've found myself stuck in bitterness lately.  I'm human, and I need to let myself realize that and let go of it.  So it's natural for me to falter from time to time.  But I'm angry.  I feel like smacking people constantly right now.  From meaningless things like stepping in a piece of gum (if I knew who spit it out where I was gonna walk, I'd kick 'em in the knee cap) to things that mean a lot to me like ignorant people who use the word "retard" and think it's funny (I want to rip out your heart the way you just ripped out mine by thinking that word is acceptable to use).  I'm angry.  And I grind my teeth, and my face is tense, and I generally look entirely unhappy.  And then I think about how I know better than to let myself get worked up about all this, and end up angry with myself...or depressed that I failed...again.

Julie (my therapist, if you have forgotten since I haven't written about her in a long time) is chiming in my head that I need to call her right now.  But right now, I'm not feeling like fixing it.  I hate it when I get to a moment when I am just too tired to work on this anymore.  And it's so hard to get out of that place.

I'm stuck in bitterness.  And I'm too tired to fix it right now.  Take heed.

(PS  I would really like to write a blog about the use of the word "retard", but I'm afraid I might end up on a killing spree at the moment with how angry I am regarding this subject.  So I may need to simmer on that first.)