Life is good!

I haven't written in a long while.  I realized that I was complaining a ton, and I was being really negative.  I was using my blog as an outlet to not engage in therapy, and therefore setting myself back.  So I put blogging aside and dealt with life.

I'm happy to say, I am doing very well!  Yesterday, both my therapist and my psychiatrist agreed that I am well enough to discontinue treatment there.  My medications are now going to be handled by my primary care physician.  I've graduated from the DBT program, and am now ready and confident to step out into my life without their safety ropes.

In the last 14 years, since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I have had three therapist/psychiatrist teams release my care to my regular doctor.  But this is the first time that I feel confident in their decision to do so.  I feel good, I feel capable.  I can do this.

So that's where I am...life is still very busy...

Tyson had his surgery to fix his neck in April...
School ended at the end of May, which meant I got to go on a bunch of field trips...
I decided to specialize in only newborn portraiture for my photography company and I couldn't be happier...
Ty is doing OT, PT, and ST twice a week...
And we will begin the intensive feeding program on July 10th...
I went to San Francisco to visit my sister and do her maternity photos...
And I get to go back when my nephew is born any day now!
Our family is working on our summer bucket list and having a blast doing all the fun things together...
Annie is currently at summer camp...
Jaxon's meds are working really well for him...
Cooper is still an evil genius...

Life is good! :-)

Of course there are always things that I will instinctively want to be better, but I can't focus on that.  I need to focus on the good and be grateful for what I have.  I'm one lucky lady to have Luke, the kids, family, friends....  Again, life is good!

Tradition

I've been struggling this month.  I've been sick since before Thanksgiving (which may be related to a whole other medical issue we are just finding out about), I have to give up my dog, my sister moved across the country...  I'm struggling to resist the urge to succumb to the intense depressing feelings I've been having.

My therapist, Julie (you all have heard me talk of her before), asked me to get into the Christmas spirit to help release this inner pressure that was overtaking me.  She said dig out old traditions and get them back up and running.  Which kind of lead me into more sadness because all the traditions and things I loved as a child are not possible for me to do for my kids.

My dad used to string lights from the eaves of our house each year.  They were set to a timer and would click on at dusk lighting up our house like magic....Unfortunately, we don't have electrical outlets outside.

We used to put the train set together around the trunk of the tree. I'd lay on the floor for the longest time just watching it go round and round, in and out of the presents waiting for us under the tree...No train set now, and even if we had one, Ernie would eat it.

We used to gather as a huge extended family at my grandparents' house.  Our family, my uncle, my aunt, we would all be under the same roof and all wake up together to open presents in the morning in our pajamas.  I remember the fire place, the huge breakfast and the glugg (a traditional hot alcoholic beverage that was served among the adults all day).  I remembered smelling my Gramma's cooking all day long drooling for the chance to taste something.  Now in the present, traveling like this as a family isn't possible because of finances.  Six of us on an airplane costs a couple thousand dollars, then add on renting a car, entertainment, etc.  Also, my kids are terrorists in other peoples' houses so I tend to avoid doing that at all costs.

I had a hard time, but I still tried.  I turned on our Christmas Pandora station in the car and sang along with my kids.  I DVRed every single Christmas special on TV and would sit and watch them with my kids all bundled up under a blanket with one or another (or even two) on my lap.  I wrapped presents and put them under the tree, adding a few more each day so the kids got to watch the pile grow with anticipation.  I baked cookies and made peppermint bark.  I tried so hard.  But I didn't feel it.  Plus, I didn't know if my kids did either.  Are they as excited for Christmas as I always was?  Do they feel the warmth?  Are they getting those lifelong memories that I had acquired?

Then I started seeing daily photos posted on Facebook by my friend Alyssa. The pictures were of an elf doing the cutest things I have ever seen.  I started to research this Elf on the Shelf, and I fell in love with this idea.  The story is that Santa sends an elf to your house to keep an eye on the kids during the day.  Each night the elf flies back to Santa and gives him his report.  Upon coming back to your house, he ends up in a new place each time.  The original plan, I believe, was to just move the elf from shelf to shelf, location to location, but this has grown into a huge display of creativity among moms (and probably dads too).

Some elves return home and do a little decorating for you:

Some catch a cold and decide to nap by the tissues all day:

Some draw pictures of their kids and remind them to be good:

What's a better way to anticipate Christmas than to wake up every morning to a little "Where's Waldo" for the kids?  The magic, the fun, the tradition....

The above pictures are of our elf, Gustopher Frederick.  Or Gus Fred for short.  Upon his arrival, we read his book and were told to name him.  We decided to go with Gus.  Then a few hours later, Jaxon asked if Fred could be his middle name.  I jokingly said, "As in Gustopher Frederick?"  And that stuck.

The book explains that if you touch Gustopher, he will lose his magic.  So each day, the kids found him, and each day, he stayed in that place all day reminding them that he was going to report to Santa that night.  I cannot tell you how many times the kids tattled to Gustopher...and I admit, we often threatened with, "Gus Fred will tell Santa that you are not sharing right now!"

The elves return back to the north pole with Santa when he comes to deliver the presents.  So the morning of Christmas eve is the last time the kids will see Gustopher until next year.  I'm not sure who will miss him more, the kids...or me....

This gave me the chance to feel excited for Christmas.  This gave me the chance to make memories for my kids.  

I'm creative by nature.  I can draw, write, paint, create...  I thrive on imagination.  This was perfect for me.  Every night, I was so excited when my kids went to sleep so I could move Gustopher into his new location and his new adventure.  I got really into it, smearing chocolate on his face when he got into the candies, writing itty bitty notes to the kids and ripping up tiny crumpled tissues when he caught a cold....  Yah, this was for the kids, but it was for me too.

Right not, Gustopher is having a farewell party with a bunch of the kids' toys:

See you next year, Gustopher!  We will all miss you and look forward to your return next Thanksgiving to countdown to Christmas.  Thanks for giving my kids a new tradition and memories they will hold on to the rest of their lives!

To FB or Not to FB, THAT is the Question...

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.



Today's Word:  Connected
GO
One of my very dear friends, the one I share the pear tattoo on my foot with, decided last year to delete her Facebook account.  Her reasoning?  It made life more impersonal.  Birthdays are filled with meaningless wall posts instead of cards and phone calls.  Couples are FBing each other across the room instead of talking.  Family members are lurking on your page instead of asking how you are.  I see her point, but I feel this is how the times are.
If we go back twenty years, FB was around, it just wasn't called that.  Birthday cards were the wall posts.  You might get a card in the mail, but all it is is a Hallmark signed by your Aunt Betty.  Nothing personal....  Couples, especially those just starting in their relationships, passed notes to each other.  Remember how we all used to fold those into little puzzle squares?  ...And family members lurked in their own ways.  They meddled in your affairs by gossiping about what is going on in your life, and those "affairs" they speak of are ones that they "heard through the grapevine."
To me, Facebook makes connecting so much easier.  I don't like to talk on the phone.  I feel awkward and don't know how to talk.  In fact, I feel that way quite often about talking in person too.  I call it "socially awkward".  I've always talked and communicated better through writing.  Facebook has given me the opportunity to develop relationships so that I do end up feeling comfortable "irl" ("in real life" if you aren't into the computer age shorthand) when talking to them.  My good friend, Erica, is a great example of this.  We've known each other for years, but never talked until about a year ago over Facebook.  Now she's one of my favorite friends to do things with and lean on when I need a shoulder to cry on and to be there when she needs one too.  Plus, I love her kids and her family.  They've adopted me in a sense and it makes me very happy to be able to enjoy events with these people instead of feeling like I don't belong.
I like to share my photos, my goings-on, my writing, my sense of humor, my actual real life and not a through-the-grapevine rumor, with all of my friends and family.  And I like to be part of theirs as well.  
I'm sad that my friend left FB because now I get bulk emails that she sends to her entire family, links to a third party online album to view pictures of her kids, and I feel obligated to get on Twitter to follow her feed, but I have to sift through all the celebrities I check up on when I am bored (and that's like once a month really).
So connect away, my dears!  You don't know who is smiling because they see your pictures and posts every day!
STOP

"Cowdafonia!"

Life got so busy before the trip to California (or Cowdafonia, if you are talking Tyson-ese) and the wedding.  I neglected blogging.  Which is unfortunate since it probably would have kept me sane through the chaos.  Regardless, everything went well.  Even my dress situation from hell.

We left for California on July 25.  I thought Ty would be fraught with anxiety about flying, but surprisingly, he was the best out of all the kids!  No freak outs at all!  He even pulled his own suitcase through the airport.

Ty accompanied by Gramma and Steve enjoying some Cars on the laptop.

This shows us that he is in fact getting better from the whole scary debacle in April and May.  He also had great sats and breathing through out the whole trip.  One more thing to tell the pulmonologists when we go back to see them in September to get the go ahead to get that trach out!

We did plenty of fun things while we were there, but I won't bore you with all of it.  But here's some highlights!

Powell's Sweet Shop....I want to live here!

The kids' favorite part was that the pool was right out our back door at the condo!

Loved this little park that we found in Windsor, Ca.  Had to take our traditional family funny face photo here!

Oakland A's vs. Tampa Rays with my Dad, Grampa, Aunt Donna and cousin Jason.  The kids loved their first major league ball game and I'm so glad they got to experience it with my Dad and Grampa like I always did!  Plus, I got to see Johnny Damon! :-)

Luke and I had a date at Guy Fieri's Tex Wasabi's in Santa Rosa.  Besides having a horrible allergic reaction to the barely there avocado that was on my sushi, it was so fab!

The four pack dressed to impress at the champagne reception at Pasternick Wine Cave.

And finally....what you all have been waiting for....THAT STUPID DRESS!!!!!

Sam's brother Andy and I walking down the aisle as best man and matron of honor.

And here's some schnazzy wedding folk!

And last but not least, my favorite time in California was when we brought the kids to the ocean.  It was the first time for Luke and all four kids to see the Pacific Ocean.  The smiles on their faces and all the giggles made it just so memorable!  Sooooo glad we got to do this before we flew home.

My favorite photo of Luke, Cooper, Annie and JJ walking to the water.

And I'll leave you with the Sawyer Six Pack Tradition

WWMTS?

"What Would My Therapist Say?"  I am going to market this on bracelets and t-shirts and make a million dollars!  You know you want one!

Almost everything I do, think, or say goes through this question first.  Not that I have to answer to her, but the therapy program I am in makes me reevaluate a lot of my behaviors, thoughts, urges, emotions, etc.  She's my sounding board.  I already have the answers in my head, she just helps me find them.  Much like this blog actually.  I know a few of you readers are very much like me with that ever flowing river of thoughts that makes it so hard to find just one of those thoughts and formulate it into something useful, so you will know what I mean when I say it makes life easier to have someone there to guide me through my thoughts.  That sounds some what dependent.  But as scary as it sounds, I will have a time in my life where Julie is not there to help me with this anymore, so the time I do have with her now is teaching me how to do this myself.  And the blog helps too.

At any rate...What brings this up?  Oh, a barrage of feelings that are all jumbled up!  I had a dip (which is what I call it and was surprised when Julie called it the same thing today, "How's your dip going?").  I feel like I'm on an upswing though.  I don't feel like crawling into bed and shutting out the world completely anymore (completely being the operative word there).  I am still crying at the drop of a hat, but I have reasons for that right now (including but not limited to a monthly visitor, sorry for the TMI).  So I see the light at the end of this tunnel...and I don't see another tunnel in sight yet.

Still a "barrage of feelings", how finely that explains what is going on!  I turned 30 and had to face a lot of "what happened happened and can't happen again" realizations....and the main one is the baby thing.  My wise mind knows and understands that I cannot have any more babies.  My body obviously is very anti-pregnancy since I have gone through every single pregnancy ailment known to man with each of my pregnancies (How many times can one person say "pregnancy" in one sentence?).  I cannot risk my life and risk my children and my husband losing me.  I have four wonderful children that I want to devote my every being to.  Then there's money and space and those logistics to contend with.

But with all this inner knowledge, I cannot help the fact that I'm mourning what I cannot have again.  Part of it is that Cooper and Tyson were so sick when they were born and their first year of life was not normal in any sense like any other newborn.  I missed out on my babies being babies.  Another part of it is that I was completely done having babies by the time I was 25, where as many other women in this generation are just beginning their families now in their 30s.  So I'm forced into watching many of my friends and family (including my best friend Stef, and my sister Stef, two separate people with the same name) going through the excitement of pregnancy and newborn-dom.  My envy is huge and taking over my life!

So WWMTS?  She says that my feelings are justified.  But now we have to accept them and move forward.  I need to listen to my wise mind.  Then I have to change "the cognitive ribbon" (a term she uses often).  What does that mean?  My feelings make sense and are happening for a reason.  It's ok to have them, it's expected that they will happen.  But my inner wisdom knows better than these desires.  To change the cognitive ribbon, I need to stop yearning for my own baby and embrace everyone else's babies and the experience they are having.  She also suggested since I have been through so much as a parent that I may want to offer myself up to all my friends and family as a coach of some sorts, allowing others to know that if they need help or someone to lean on or someone to bounce parenting stuff off of, I'm here.

How easy it would be to say, "Eh nah", and go on wallowing....How easy it would be to talk Luke into giving in to me and making more babies (even though I have my tubes tied, I'd find a way!)....It's easier to not work passed this. It takes a lot of effort to feel emotions and then not let them overtake me.

Let's start this moving on process with a pros and cons list...or rather just a cons list because I already got all the cutesie newborn baby crap stuck in my head as it is.  Having babies is not all teeny tiny tootsies and warm unconditional loving snuggles.  Nope, there's so much more to it that sucks.  Yes, babies suck too.  Let's examine this:

• Diapers.  I'm soooooo close to having all my kids out of diapers.  Tyson still wears diapers because he is tube fed, but we are getting closer to him using the potty.  So the light at the end of that tunnel is in sight.  Newborns need diaper changes every 2 hours at least.  And we all know how much I hate poop!
• Sleep.  Babies don't sleep very well through the night.  Waking up every two to three hours to tend to them and then having the other children to tend to during the day making naps impossible....yuh, not enticing in the slightest!
• Spit up.  I remember changing my and baby's clothes at least three times a day on many occasions back in the newborn days.  And I constantly smelled like sour milk regardless of washing hands, changing clothes, etc.
• Money.  Diapers, formula, new clothes every month because they never stop growing, nursery items (crib, changing table, etc), toys, bigger items (bouncy chair, jumparoo, swing, etc)....We don't have any of these things anymore.  Luke and I were just talking about saving for a trip somewhere nice together.  There goes that pipe dream!
• Envy from my other children.  I would hate myself if my kids ever thought that I felt like they were not enough for me.  Not sure if they would feel that, but still.
• Space.  Right now we live in a four bedroom home.  Luke and I have a room, Annie has a room (because she's the oldest and the only girl), Tyson has a room (because of his medical equipment), and Cooper and JJ share a room (because they are stinky boys).  Worse, we only have ONE bathroom!  Who built this house?  They should be kicked in the knee cap for that design flaw!
• Time.  All of our kids are in school full time now which gives me the opportunity to work more for my businesses.  I get me-time too.

Ok ok, I'm starting to see it clearly now.  Well, not completely, but it's pulling me out of my emotional mind of "I want, I want, I want" into my logical mind of "I can't, I can't, I can't".

What about this new parent coaching idea?  It's a good one, and I hope my friends and family to take me up on that.  Feel free to ask me any time about anything having to do with kids.  More likely than not I have experienced it, and if I haven't, I know someone who has and can send you off to them.  Having this opportunity to help those I love means a lot to me.  It also makes me feel like I am right there being a part of that baby's life.

Conclusion...no baby for me (although I have not completely ruled out maybe possibly adopting or fostering way way waaaaaay in the future)...find someone with baby and steal it for a few hours here and there. Yes, this is a good idea.

....And get working on WWMTS bracelets and shirt designs! ;-)