Showing posts with label therapist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapist. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Overwhelmed
It just so happens that I get sick and then Tyson gets sick the week I have a crap ton of other stuff to deal with...
I left therapy last week telling Julie I would review the interpersonal effectiveness chapter of my DBT book and then write out what I would like to address in our conversation. I did a little bit of it but kept realizing that I was still resentful and the work I was putting into it just was too biased. So I would set it down and pick it up later. It didn't get done. I started resenting the work as well. I have so many other things I need to get done and the fact that this stuff has become a priority among those made me angry.
I'm calling in this morning and cancelling the appointment. Frankly, I have other things that need my attention before I address that. I have to take Ty to the doctor today, I have to prepare for court on Wednesday by getting statements from Annie's therapist, I have to collect all my data to back up my requests, I need to address an argument with my sister...and I'm still sick myself.
It really bothers me that I need Julie to get through this other stuff and because of our argument, I'm uncomfortable to go to her with it. So the best course of action? Prepare prepare prepare...or take a nap....
Monday, February 20, 2012
2 Things
Monday equals therapy....and I skipped last Monday's session because I wanted to talk to my psychiatrist about this stuff first. I should remember that when I tell on my therapist, it will always get back to her. I hate feeling like those who are taking care of my psychiatric/psychological needs are talking behind my back. That's good enough to make anyone feel paranoid (not just us "crazy people").
I knew this therapy session was going to suck today because we had to talk about what happened. It didn't go well either. In fact, I left a half hour early again saying that I will study the "Interpersonal Effectiveness" part of DBT and come back next week ready to discuss this stuff.
I did find out two things about myself though:
1. I never feel like I'm good enough.
2. I'm really mean when in an argument. (Suppose I already knew that one but didn't want to admit it.)
Maybe that's why I lose friends so easily...and why I'm so needy...and now I'm digging my depression hole a little deeper.
I'm off to put off "studying" and do some other stuff....and so it goes.
I knew this therapy session was going to suck today because we had to talk about what happened. It didn't go well either. In fact, I left a half hour early again saying that I will study the "Interpersonal Effectiveness" part of DBT and come back next week ready to discuss this stuff.
I did find out two things about myself though:
1. I never feel like I'm good enough.
2. I'm really mean when in an argument. (Suppose I already knew that one but didn't want to admit it.)
Maybe that's why I lose friends so easily...and why I'm so needy...and now I'm digging my depression hole a little deeper.
I'm off to put off "studying" and do some other stuff....and so it goes.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I will always need medication...and I accept that.
I have group therapy every Wednesday. This one, unlike the DBT "classes" that I was doing last year, is not mandatory to continue my treatment. It's basically a group of DBT "grads" who are just there to support each other.
I haven't gone in like 6 weeks, until yesterday. I kind of went into it with ill will towards therapy because of Monday's debacle. I had a poor attitude. I didn't want to be there. But one of my groupmates called me on Monday and asked where I have been. So I figured I would go for them, for the members who have been wondering where I disappeared to.
I talked to one of the members that has the same therapist that I have. She and I actually started this therapy on the same day, so we've been together for the last year and a half through this huge change in our lives to live by these general rules. She asked me how I was feeling. I asked her if she meant physically or mentally/emotionally. She said both. I told her I was finally over the sinus infection crap that I've had for the last couple of months, but told her that I've been feeling more depressed than usual. Then we got into what happened in therapy. That I asked my doc to help me with meds, and that my therapist got "mad".
I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to have someone understand what I was saying. She's had the same problem before. She feels that the therapist is quite "anti-medication". Or rather she's just giving us that air about her. Both of us understand that using the skills to the max is of utmost importance, but having our therapist speak down about medication is very conflicting and hard to deal with. After Monday's therapy session, I thought a lot about what my doctor says and what my therapist says and just came out of it so confused and frustrated that it made me even more depressed. And apparently, I'm not the only one thinking/feeling that.
I intend on going to therapy as usual on Monday and explaining this. I'm not interested in her discussing my medications any longer as I feel like she thinks they are a negative entity in my treatment. I've seen me off meds, my psychiatrist has seen me off meds...there's no way I am ever going to go off of them, no matter how many skills I have "on board" in my life. I may have borderline personality disorder but I also have bipolar disorder and that, my dears, is a chemical imbalance and needs medication to treat. I need her to just understand that and get over it. If not, I'm going to resent her and get nothing out of therapy, and that's not acceptable.
On another note, I've been feeling alright this week. I've been keeping my hands constantly busy, lots of crocheting. I've been giving myself tasks that I want to get done each day so that I actually do something instead of sit around and wallow. Not that I was doing that, but having a list of stuff to do and getting to cross them off when they are done just raises my spirits a little bit. I'm using my skills even though I feel resentful about them, even though I feel like giving up and rebelling against this therapy.
I haven't gone in like 6 weeks, until yesterday. I kind of went into it with ill will towards therapy because of Monday's debacle. I had a poor attitude. I didn't want to be there. But one of my groupmates called me on Monday and asked where I have been. So I figured I would go for them, for the members who have been wondering where I disappeared to.
I talked to one of the members that has the same therapist that I have. She and I actually started this therapy on the same day, so we've been together for the last year and a half through this huge change in our lives to live by these general rules. She asked me how I was feeling. I asked her if she meant physically or mentally/emotionally. She said both. I told her I was finally over the sinus infection crap that I've had for the last couple of months, but told her that I've been feeling more depressed than usual. Then we got into what happened in therapy. That I asked my doc to help me with meds, and that my therapist got "mad".
I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to have someone understand what I was saying. She's had the same problem before. She feels that the therapist is quite "anti-medication". Or rather she's just giving us that air about her. Both of us understand that using the skills to the max is of utmost importance, but having our therapist speak down about medication is very conflicting and hard to deal with. After Monday's therapy session, I thought a lot about what my doctor says and what my therapist says and just came out of it so confused and frustrated that it made me even more depressed. And apparently, I'm not the only one thinking/feeling that.
I intend on going to therapy as usual on Monday and explaining this. I'm not interested in her discussing my medications any longer as I feel like she thinks they are a negative entity in my treatment. I've seen me off meds, my psychiatrist has seen me off meds...there's no way I am ever going to go off of them, no matter how many skills I have "on board" in my life. I may have borderline personality disorder but I also have bipolar disorder and that, my dears, is a chemical imbalance and needs medication to treat. I need her to just understand that and get over it. If not, I'm going to resent her and get nothing out of therapy, and that's not acceptable.
On another note, I've been feeling alright this week. I've been keeping my hands constantly busy, lots of crocheting. I've been giving myself tasks that I want to get done each day so that I actually do something instead of sit around and wallow. Not that I was doing that, but having a list of stuff to do and getting to cross them off when they are done just raises my spirits a little bit. I'm using my skills even though I feel resentful about them, even though I feel like giving up and rebelling against this therapy.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Falling
Hi, My name is Taylor, and I haven't cut myself since May 2010.
I've been in dialectical behavior therapy since then. I've been alright. Every once in a while I slip into depression...usually the two weeks surrounding my period. During that time you will usually see me retreating to my bed to cry for a good long day or two. Guess that beats doing it for two weeks at a time.
With every emotion I face, whether it be from external circumstances or internal circumstances, I work hard to use the skills I've learned in DBT to get through them. "Effective"...that's a big word in DBT. Am I being effective? Is laying in bed for two weeks riding out the empty, hopeless feeling inside effective? Is cutting a half inch line in my upper left arm effective?
I've been alright. I've been able to be effective. I've been able to do things to make my emotional swings not take over my life, and I've been able to live despite of them. Instead of sleeping or cutting, I do other things to handle them.
Most of December was extremely emotional for me. I've learned in DBT to find the root of the emotion, what is causing it. Ernie ruining our house, my sister getting pregnant and then moving to California, illness that lasted 6 weeks, issues with a certain someone... I had a lot that was weighing heavily on my heart. I had a reason to be sad all the time. Yet, I tried really really hard to just live past it. It would go away eventually. If it didn't take me over, it would get better.
Then January came, and now February. And I'm down. I swear I cry once a day at least. More often than not I find myself weeping in the shower. I feel lonely. I feel hopeless. And this time, I can't find the reason for it. And I can't find the way to fix it except for just truck on in life and hope this imbalance passes.
The thing is that I have so much around me to not make me feel lonely and hopeless. And who ever reads this isn't going to understand why I do...I don't even understand. My heart hurts, and I don't even understand it. I'm frustrated with myself not being able to fix that, and I'm frustrated with the world moving on without me.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about cutting my little gash in my arm to dull the pain. I didn't do it. But I thought about it. This shows me that all the skills I am using from DBT, although they work so much and have done wonders in my life, I'm in something that can't be touched by them.
Where do we go from here? I asked my psychiatrist earlier this week if he can adjust my meds around my period. The week before and the week of. It seems like that's when I fall the hardest, and then after the funk, I can't seem to get up entirely before I get smacked with it again. He agreed. My therapist seemed annoyed that I went to meds instead of skills. But I've tried with the skills, and I'm falling even with them, so something else is going on. It's chemical. It's something that she can't fix, it's something that I cannot fix by coping skills. I wish she would just succumb to that at some point because I always feel like she's rubbing my nose in the fact that I can't handle this with skills like a normal person would. Luckily, I know when she's wrong about this, and I know to ask my psych for help. Otherwise, I would completely fail this life thing.
For now, I will bear it, like I always do. I will go on with life as it won't stop for me. I'll be fine. I don't need anyone to treat me differently. I don't need sympathy or concern. I think I just need understanding... I don't want to be closed off and have this all inside of me.
I've been in dialectical behavior therapy since then. I've been alright. Every once in a while I slip into depression...usually the two weeks surrounding my period. During that time you will usually see me retreating to my bed to cry for a good long day or two. Guess that beats doing it for two weeks at a time.
With every emotion I face, whether it be from external circumstances or internal circumstances, I work hard to use the skills I've learned in DBT to get through them. "Effective"...that's a big word in DBT. Am I being effective? Is laying in bed for two weeks riding out the empty, hopeless feeling inside effective? Is cutting a half inch line in my upper left arm effective?
I've been alright. I've been able to be effective. I've been able to do things to make my emotional swings not take over my life, and I've been able to live despite of them. Instead of sleeping or cutting, I do other things to handle them.
Most of December was extremely emotional for me. I've learned in DBT to find the root of the emotion, what is causing it. Ernie ruining our house, my sister getting pregnant and then moving to California, illness that lasted 6 weeks, issues with a certain someone... I had a lot that was weighing heavily on my heart. I had a reason to be sad all the time. Yet, I tried really really hard to just live past it. It would go away eventually. If it didn't take me over, it would get better.
Then January came, and now February. And I'm down. I swear I cry once a day at least. More often than not I find myself weeping in the shower. I feel lonely. I feel hopeless. And this time, I can't find the reason for it. And I can't find the way to fix it except for just truck on in life and hope this imbalance passes.
The thing is that I have so much around me to not make me feel lonely and hopeless. And who ever reads this isn't going to understand why I do...I don't even understand. My heart hurts, and I don't even understand it. I'm frustrated with myself not being able to fix that, and I'm frustrated with the world moving on without me.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about cutting my little gash in my arm to dull the pain. I didn't do it. But I thought about it. This shows me that all the skills I am using from DBT, although they work so much and have done wonders in my life, I'm in something that can't be touched by them.
Where do we go from here? I asked my psychiatrist earlier this week if he can adjust my meds around my period. The week before and the week of. It seems like that's when I fall the hardest, and then after the funk, I can't seem to get up entirely before I get smacked with it again. He agreed. My therapist seemed annoyed that I went to meds instead of skills. But I've tried with the skills, and I'm falling even with them, so something else is going on. It's chemical. It's something that she can't fix, it's something that I cannot fix by coping skills. I wish she would just succumb to that at some point because I always feel like she's rubbing my nose in the fact that I can't handle this with skills like a normal person would. Luckily, I know when she's wrong about this, and I know to ask my psych for help. Otherwise, I would completely fail this life thing.
For now, I will bear it, like I always do. I will go on with life as it won't stop for me. I'll be fine. I don't need anyone to treat me differently. I don't need sympathy or concern. I think I just need understanding... I don't want to be closed off and have this all inside of me.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Today sucks...
My day has been rotten thing after another with only one bit of good news. I'm feeling negative, I'm feeling irritable, I have a head ache, I hate everyone and every thing....
What do we do in this situation? Practice Positivity! Normally I would punch anyone in the face for saying this to me. But I've found it works slightly. If I just go back and find the little things that were good, then I can get through the rest of the day. Ready? Here goes...
What do we do in this situation? Practice Positivity! Normally I would punch anyone in the face for saying this to me. But I've found it works slightly. If I just go back and find the little things that were good, then I can get through the rest of the day. Ready? Here goes...
- Luke got me a whole slew of chocolate pudding cups.
- It's my sister's birthday and the kids' message in her voicemail of them singing "Happy Birthday" made her smile.
- My mom is coming back from Florida today. Somehow her being back in Michigan makes everything better.
- Someone asked me about the "LOVE" on my wrist today so I got the opportunity to tell them about TWLOHA.
- I just got $8 added to my PayPal account from a client.
- I got permission to use the local orchard for a family photo shoot next week.
- Ernie is giving me puppy dog eyes.
- I heard a song on the radio that I really liked.
- My new computer mouse came in the mail today and it glows.
- Julie (the therapist) told me she was proud of me even though I felt like a complete failure last week.
- How I Met Your Mother is on tonight, plus Two Broke Girls which I am strangely enjoying quite a bit.
- I booked a senior picture shoot, a newborn shoot, and a family shoot today.
- I have a Kit Kat on my desk right now staring at me.
Did it help? Yes, my chest doesn't feel so tight, I'm not grinding my teeth, my eyes aren't squinty anymore, and I feel like I can get through the next 7ish hours of the day before I crash in my nice warm bed.
Wanna do it too? Join me... All you have to do is look back on your current situation and find the little things that are positive. It should pull you up out of the negative the slightest bit to help you get through your day. Add the button below (just copy and paste the code into the html part of your post) so that others join in too! Feel free to post a link to your page here and view others' so we can all support each other. :-)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Contradiction
Totally frustrated. Walking a thin line on these ones:
- Be strong enough to do things for yourself, but don't forget to ask for help when it's needed.
- Don't be a victim, but don't blame yourself for everything.
- You're never going to be perfect, but keep trying because it makes you a better person.
- Accept reality, but change what you can.
- Avoiding things is not effective, but distance yourself from them so you can think.
- Don't think only about yourself, but don't worry about others.
- Napping is a form of avoidance, but make sure you are getting ample sleep.
- Learn how to self-soothe in a distressing situation, but someone else giving you a hug is form of soothing.
- Let your kids fall to learn how to pick themselves up for the future, but validate them and let them know you are there.
- Be in the moment and don't be anxious about the future, but cope ahead for what may come.
- Don't let your emotions take you over, but be emotional because that's just who you are.
- Being imperfect IS perfect.
- Your diagnosis doesn't matter, but we are still giving you one.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Vulnerable
"What are your vulnerabilities?" Julie (the therapist) says. She knew I was emotional this morning as soon as she saw me, and by the looks of my diary card (this sheet of paper I have to fill out for therapy recounting my week and emotions) she quickly knew she was right. I said I was emotional and don't know why. She said there's always a reason...and we had to look at my "vulnerabilities"...
1. Last week was packed full of stuff. I was tired, slightly overwhelmed, running all over the world...
2. I had cramps on Thursday which indicates my period is coming within the week.
3. I ate like crap. I was so busy and ate on the run a lot...or didn't eat at all.
4. Annie left for a week long stay at Eric's (this always tips me off).
5. My sleep was kind of screwy because of all the activity and the bike rides and walking (you're not hearing things. I did actually start exercising.).
In short, I was tired, hungry, in pain/pmsing, overwhelmed, overly busy, and sad about Annie leaving again. So I guess my "emotional-ness" was understandable.
Sadly, I can't kick this funk. Let's see, I think this started on Wednesday evening, maybe it was Thursday. Five days later, I'm still feeling poopy. Just kind of dragging my feet. "A year ago" (which is my go-to phrase meaning pre-DBT), I would be retreating to my bed until this subsided. But I'm not doing that. I'm trying to balance out getting the rest I need and getting too much rest/giving in to this. I've noticed I'm kind of moping around a little bit though.
After therapy this morning, I visited the kangaroos at Anderson and Girls Orchard. I do this at least once a week and I think they are starting to know who I am. More often than not, I usually just stop in and look at them for about 10-15 minutes, then go visit the baby goats. Today, I think I needed a friend that wanted me there and would just listen to me even if I didn't say anything. Papa kangaroo saw me sit next to the cage on the outside and hopped right over to me. I put my hands through the cage as I do all the time and rubbed his neck and behind his ears. Then I sat back thinking he was going to go off and do something else like he normally does. But he didn't. He sat there looking at me. He put his nose through the fence. He told me in no words at all that he loved me and was there to make me feel better.
It's a proven fact that petting an animal actually calms you and is quite therapeutic. I sat with him for about a half hour just rubbing his back, neck, ears, and face. He kissed my hands and I cried a little. I needed that. I know I have many people that love me, but this was one of those unconditional, complete "I love you" moments. One of those, "I'm here for you and no one else" moments.
Animals are amazing. They sense when we don't feel "right". And they have this innate ability to know exactly what you need to feel better, even if it is just ever-so-slightly better.
1. Last week was packed full of stuff. I was tired, slightly overwhelmed, running all over the world...
2. I had cramps on Thursday which indicates my period is coming within the week.
3. I ate like crap. I was so busy and ate on the run a lot...or didn't eat at all.
4. Annie left for a week long stay at Eric's (this always tips me off).
5. My sleep was kind of screwy because of all the activity and the bike rides and walking (you're not hearing things. I did actually start exercising.).
In short, I was tired, hungry, in pain/pmsing, overwhelmed, overly busy, and sad about Annie leaving again. So I guess my "emotional-ness" was understandable.
Sadly, I can't kick this funk. Let's see, I think this started on Wednesday evening, maybe it was Thursday. Five days later, I'm still feeling poopy. Just kind of dragging my feet. "A year ago" (which is my go-to phrase meaning pre-DBT), I would be retreating to my bed until this subsided. But I'm not doing that. I'm trying to balance out getting the rest I need and getting too much rest/giving in to this. I've noticed I'm kind of moping around a little bit though.
After therapy this morning, I visited the kangaroos at Anderson and Girls Orchard. I do this at least once a week and I think they are starting to know who I am. More often than not, I usually just stop in and look at them for about 10-15 minutes, then go visit the baby goats. Today, I think I needed a friend that wanted me there and would just listen to me even if I didn't say anything. Papa kangaroo saw me sit next to the cage on the outside and hopped right over to me. I put my hands through the cage as I do all the time and rubbed his neck and behind his ears. Then I sat back thinking he was going to go off and do something else like he normally does. But he didn't. He sat there looking at me. He put his nose through the fence. He told me in no words at all that he loved me and was there to make me feel better.
It's a proven fact that petting an animal actually calms you and is quite therapeutic. I sat with him for about a half hour just rubbing his back, neck, ears, and face. He kissed my hands and I cried a little. I needed that. I know I have many people that love me, but this was one of those unconditional, complete "I love you" moments. One of those, "I'm here for you and no one else" moments.
Animals are amazing. They sense when we don't feel "right". And they have this innate ability to know exactly what you need to feel better, even if it is just ever-so-slightly better.
Monday, April 18, 2011
WWMTS?
"What Would My Therapist Say?" I am going to market this on bracelets and t-shirts and make a million dollars! You know you want one!
Almost everything I do, think, or say goes through this question first. Not that I have to answer to her, but the therapy program I am in makes me reevaluate a lot of my behaviors, thoughts, urges, emotions, etc. She's my sounding board. I already have the answers in my head, she just helps me find them. Much like this blog actually. I know a few of you readers are very much like me with that ever flowing river of thoughts that makes it so hard to find just one of those thoughts and formulate it into something useful, so you will know what I mean when I say it makes life easier to have someone there to guide me through my thoughts. That sounds some what dependent. But as scary as it sounds, I will have a time in my life where Julie is not there to help me with this anymore, so the time I do have with her now is teaching me how to do this myself. And the blog helps too.
At any rate...What brings this up? Oh, a barrage of feelings that are all jumbled up! I had a dip (which is what I call it and was surprised when Julie called it the same thing today, "How's your dip going?"). I feel like I'm on an upswing though. I don't feel like crawling into bed and shutting out the world completely anymore (completely being the operative word there). I am still crying at the drop of a hat, but I have reasons for that right now (including but not limited to a monthly visitor, sorry for the TMI). So I see the light at the end of this tunnel...and I don't see another tunnel in sight yet.
Still a "barrage of feelings", how finely that explains what is going on! I turned 30 and had to face a lot of "what happened happened and can't happen again" realizations....and the main one is the baby thing. My wise mind knows and understands that I cannot have any more babies. My body obviously is very anti-pregnancy since I have gone through every single pregnancy ailment known to man with each of my pregnancies (How many times can one person say "pregnancy" in one sentence?). I cannot risk my life and risk my children and my husband losing me. I have four wonderful children that I want to devote my every being to. Then there's money and space and those logistics to contend with.
But with all this inner knowledge, I cannot help the fact that I'm mourning what I cannot have again. Part of it is that Cooper and Tyson were so sick when they were born and their first year of life was not normal in any sense like any other newborn. I missed out on my babies being babies. Another part of it is that I was completely done having babies by the time I was 25, where as many other women in this generation are just beginning their families now in their 30s. So I'm forced into watching many of my friends and family (including my best friend Stef, and my sister Stef, two separate people with the same name) going through the excitement of pregnancy and newborn-dom. My envy is huge and taking over my life!
So WWMTS? She says that my feelings are justified. But now we have to accept them and move forward. I need to listen to my wise mind. Then I have to change "the cognitive ribbon" (a term she uses often). What does that mean? My feelings make sense and are happening for a reason. It's ok to have them, it's expected that they will happen. But my inner wisdom knows better than these desires. To change the cognitive ribbon, I need to stop yearning for my own baby and embrace everyone else's babies and the experience they are having. She also suggested since I have been through so much as a parent that I may want to offer myself up to all my friends and family as a coach of some sorts, allowing others to know that if they need help or someone to lean on or someone to bounce parenting stuff off of, I'm here.
How easy it would be to say, "Eh nah", and go on wallowing....How easy it would be to talk Luke into giving in to me and making more babies (even though I have my tubes tied, I'd find a way!)....It's easier to not work passed this. It takes a lot of effort to feel emotions and then not let them overtake me.
Let's start this moving on process with a pros and cons list...or rather just a cons list because I already got all the cutesie newborn baby crap stuck in my head as it is. Having babies is not all teeny tiny tootsies and warm unconditional loving snuggles. Nope, there's so much more to it that sucks. Yes, babies suck too. Let's examine this:
What about this new parent coaching idea? It's a good one, and I hope my friends and family to take me up on that. Feel free to ask me any time about anything having to do with kids. More likely than not I have experienced it, and if I haven't, I know someone who has and can send you off to them. Having this opportunity to help those I love means a lot to me. It also makes me feel like I am right there being a part of that baby's life.
Conclusion...no baby for me (although I have not completely ruled out maybe possibly adopting or fostering way way waaaaaay in the future)...find someone with baby and steal it for a few hours here and there. Yes, this is a good idea.
....And get working on WWMTS bracelets and shirt designs! ;-)
Almost everything I do, think, or say goes through this question first. Not that I have to answer to her, but the therapy program I am in makes me reevaluate a lot of my behaviors, thoughts, urges, emotions, etc. She's my sounding board. I already have the answers in my head, she just helps me find them. Much like this blog actually. I know a few of you readers are very much like me with that ever flowing river of thoughts that makes it so hard to find just one of those thoughts and formulate it into something useful, so you will know what I mean when I say it makes life easier to have someone there to guide me through my thoughts. That sounds some what dependent. But as scary as it sounds, I will have a time in my life where Julie is not there to help me with this anymore, so the time I do have with her now is teaching me how to do this myself. And the blog helps too.
At any rate...What brings this up? Oh, a barrage of feelings that are all jumbled up! I had a dip (which is what I call it and was surprised when Julie called it the same thing today, "How's your dip going?"). I feel like I'm on an upswing though. I don't feel like crawling into bed and shutting out the world completely anymore (completely being the operative word there). I am still crying at the drop of a hat, but I have reasons for that right now (including but not limited to a monthly visitor, sorry for the TMI). So I see the light at the end of this tunnel...and I don't see another tunnel in sight yet.
Still a "barrage of feelings", how finely that explains what is going on! I turned 30 and had to face a lot of "what happened happened and can't happen again" realizations....and the main one is the baby thing. My wise mind knows and understands that I cannot have any more babies. My body obviously is very anti-pregnancy since I have gone through every single pregnancy ailment known to man with each of my pregnancies (How many times can one person say "pregnancy" in one sentence?). I cannot risk my life and risk my children and my husband losing me. I have four wonderful children that I want to devote my every being to. Then there's money and space and those logistics to contend with.
But with all this inner knowledge, I cannot help the fact that I'm mourning what I cannot have again. Part of it is that Cooper and Tyson were so sick when they were born and their first year of life was not normal in any sense like any other newborn. I missed out on my babies being babies. Another part of it is that I was completely done having babies by the time I was 25, where as many other women in this generation are just beginning their families now in their 30s. So I'm forced into watching many of my friends and family (including my best friend Stef, and my sister Stef, two separate people with the same name) going through the excitement of pregnancy and newborn-dom. My envy is huge and taking over my life!
So WWMTS? She says that my feelings are justified. But now we have to accept them and move forward. I need to listen to my wise mind. Then I have to change "the cognitive ribbon" (a term she uses often). What does that mean? My feelings make sense and are happening for a reason. It's ok to have them, it's expected that they will happen. But my inner wisdom knows better than these desires. To change the cognitive ribbon, I need to stop yearning for my own baby and embrace everyone else's babies and the experience they are having. She also suggested since I have been through so much as a parent that I may want to offer myself up to all my friends and family as a coach of some sorts, allowing others to know that if they need help or someone to lean on or someone to bounce parenting stuff off of, I'm here.
How easy it would be to say, "Eh nah", and go on wallowing....How easy it would be to talk Luke into giving in to me and making more babies (even though I have my tubes tied, I'd find a way!)....It's easier to not work passed this. It takes a lot of effort to feel emotions and then not let them overtake me.
Let's start this moving on process with a pros and cons list...or rather just a cons list because I already got all the cutesie newborn baby crap stuck in my head as it is. Having babies is not all teeny tiny tootsies and warm unconditional loving snuggles. Nope, there's so much more to it that sucks. Yes, babies suck too. Let's examine this:
- Diapers. I'm soooooo close to having all my kids out of diapers. Tyson still wears diapers because he is tube fed, but we are getting closer to him using the potty. So the light at the end of that tunnel is in sight. Newborns need diaper changes every 2 hours at least. And we all know how much I hate poop!
- Sleep. Babies don't sleep very well through the night. Waking up every two to three hours to tend to them and then having the other children to tend to during the day making naps impossible....yuh, not enticing in the slightest!
- Spit up. I remember changing my and baby's clothes at least three times a day on many occasions back in the newborn days. And I constantly smelled like sour milk regardless of washing hands, changing clothes, etc.
- Money. Diapers, formula, new clothes every month because they never stop growing, nursery items (crib, changing table, etc), toys, bigger items (bouncy chair, jumparoo, swing, etc)....We don't have any of these things anymore. Luke and I were just talking about saving for a trip somewhere nice together. There goes that pipe dream!
- Envy from my other children. I would hate myself if my kids ever thought that I felt like they were not enough for me. Not sure if they would feel that, but still.
- Space. Right now we live in a four bedroom home. Luke and I have a room, Annie has a room (because she's the oldest and the only girl), Tyson has a room (because of his medical equipment), and Cooper and JJ share a room (because they are stinky boys). Worse, we only have ONE bathroom! Who built this house? They should be kicked in the knee cap for that design flaw!
- Time. All of our kids are in school full time now which gives me the opportunity to work more for my businesses. I get me-time too.
What about this new parent coaching idea? It's a good one, and I hope my friends and family to take me up on that. Feel free to ask me any time about anything having to do with kids. More likely than not I have experienced it, and if I haven't, I know someone who has and can send you off to them. Having this opportunity to help those I love means a lot to me. It also makes me feel like I am right there being a part of that baby's life.
Conclusion...no baby for me (although I have not completely ruled out maybe possibly adopting or fostering way way waaaaaay in the future)...find someone with baby and steal it for a few hours here and there. Yes, this is a good idea.
....And get working on WWMTS bracelets and shirt designs! ;-)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Julie says....
Monday mornings I have individual therapy (and every Wednesday I have group therapy). My first instinct Monday morning was that I didn't want to go. But I heard my therapist's voice in my head saying, "When you don't feel like it, that's when you need it most." I reluctantly showered and dressed, even put on make-up. I should have known better than to put on make-up. After the craptastic week I had prior and Sunday's dress debacle, it was inevitable that I would be crying fiercely during this session.
Before I go on, I should inform you that crying during a therapy session is not at all a pity party. It used to be, before I started with this therapist and this program a year ago. And those pity party therapy sessions did jack shit for helping me through anything. So I am glad and grateful that they are no longer like that. Nope, my therapist, Julie, kicks my ass. We dig deep into my feelings, what triggers them, what urges and behaviors they cause (yes the two are different), and what ways I can deal with them, and so on and so forth. I also go into every therapy session with homework I have done from my last appointment. She tells me every week what she wants me to work on, gives me specific tasks...basically she makes sure I don't get complacent during the times I don't have her riding my ass. Does this sound annoying to you? It is to some extent, but it is so helpful. I've been going to therapy on and off since I was 9 and taking medications from a psychiatrist since I was 17. I'm 30 now (**shutter**) and this is the first time I feel like any therapy is actually working. So as much as I want to say that I hate Julie, and sometimes I do, I love her more.
So Monday, I cried. I cried quite a bit. Mostly, I cried because I feel so down and am having a really hard time pinpointing exactly what is causing it. You see, if I can figure out why I am feeling something, then I usually can figure out how to deal with it considerably better than the maladaptive way I have in the past. When I started getting down last week, I started searching for why. And when I couldn't find out why, like there was no specific event or occurrence that caused it, I got completely stressed out and got even more down because I felt like I was a failure.
Turns out I'm not perfect. Really, I'm not. I know you think I am...I know I think I am, but I'm not. So it's ok to fail and it's ok to not enjoy failing. But with that being said, I didn't fail, I just felt like I did. But that's ok too. Hold on...lemme try to make more sense of this.
First, Julie said there may not be something that actually happened that caused my dip...or it may have just been a compilation of everything going on in the last few weeks--turning 30, still being sick after 6 weeks, my Uncle who passed away last Fall having his first birthday in heaven on the 8th, etc. But more importantly, whatever it was, it's more important for me to radically accept that these times will happen because I am never going to be perfectly happy all the time (no one is). Plus, I have the chemical component in my brain that will ensure this for the rest of my life. Do I just lay down and take it though? Absolutely not! I just find ways to get through it...effective ways.
Here's a shocking revealing fact about me (remember, don't judge)...I'm a cutter. I haven't done it in almost a year. But when I feel really down and it feels like it is not controllable in the slightest, my urge is to cut myself to have control over the pain I feel. If I cause the pain, then I am controlling it. Phew, this feels like a heavy topic I should give it's own blog, I think. So let's just leave it at that for now. I am a cutter because I have the urge to do that to control the pain even though I have not acted on this urge in almost a year. I'll talk more in depth about this in the future. But remember now, as you know this piece of information, you don't know all the facts about it, so you cannot judge it. Keep that in mind.
Last week was the first time I have felt my emotions so out of control that I felt like cutting again. Didn't act on it, but I did feel like I wanted to do it. And that brought me shame. I hate that part of me. I hate that I could not find a way to deal with the depression that didn't involve hurting myself. The shame leads to guilt...I feel guilty that I allowed myself to even think about that. The guilt and shame leads to more depression. The depression leads to trying to find a way to cope. The easiest and least harmful way of coping is to sleep. I know deep inside that the pain will pass, so I like to skip over that. Or at least I have used this coping method in the past. I've slept for days just waiting for the wave to break and life can be "normal" again. This time, I didn't cut, and I didn't sleep. But both urges were there. Just give in...it's easier.
Just the urges, just the fleeting thoughts to succumb to the blech feeling (a technical term in my book), those feel like failure to me again.... That damn failure thing! I like to be the best! I like to do everything well better than anyone else! I like to amaze people with all that I can do! So when I can't do something, it's failure to me. Julie says that the only way I can be perfect is to fail like everyone else. So to cope with failure, all I have to do is accept that everyone fails and it's ok. Wow, easier said than done! I've been working on this for a year and will be working on this until the day I die.
You have no idea how hard acceptance is. You know if you want to raise your left hand to itch your nose, you can easily do that. You know that if you want to push out a fart, you can do that too. You know that if you want to stick your finger into an electrical socket, go ahead, you can do it! But try to do the action of acceptance. Hard, isn't it?
Another thing that kills me, no one can tell me how to accept things. I cannot read a book to learn how to do it. If you know me at all, you know I can pick up any hobby and kick its ass within a week becoming a pro. Not being able to do this KILLS me! Again, it's a control thing! I cannot give you or anyone else pearls of wisdom on how to do this...but I can tell you it needs to be done. It makes me squirm just thinking about how vague that is.
Back to my therapy session, Julie said try to cope with the depression in the most effective way possible, but more importantly remember that it's not forever and you have gotten through it before so it will not kill you. Acknowledge the urges, then acknowledge the strength it took you to not succumb to them. Be proud of yourself for not getting down on yourself for feeling like you aren't in control. No one is in control...
I wish I could tell you I feel better today. I wish I could tell you I am out of the funk, all is well, she worked magic in telling me what she did. But I'd be lying... BUT the good thing is I'm ok with it, and I will get through it.
Before I go on, I should inform you that crying during a therapy session is not at all a pity party. It used to be, before I started with this therapist and this program a year ago. And those pity party therapy sessions did jack shit for helping me through anything. So I am glad and grateful that they are no longer like that. Nope, my therapist, Julie, kicks my ass. We dig deep into my feelings, what triggers them, what urges and behaviors they cause (yes the two are different), and what ways I can deal with them, and so on and so forth. I also go into every therapy session with homework I have done from my last appointment. She tells me every week what she wants me to work on, gives me specific tasks...basically she makes sure I don't get complacent during the times I don't have her riding my ass. Does this sound annoying to you? It is to some extent, but it is so helpful. I've been going to therapy on and off since I was 9 and taking medications from a psychiatrist since I was 17. I'm 30 now (**shutter**) and this is the first time I feel like any therapy is actually working. So as much as I want to say that I hate Julie, and sometimes I do, I love her more.
So Monday, I cried. I cried quite a bit. Mostly, I cried because I feel so down and am having a really hard time pinpointing exactly what is causing it. You see, if I can figure out why I am feeling something, then I usually can figure out how to deal with it considerably better than the maladaptive way I have in the past. When I started getting down last week, I started searching for why. And when I couldn't find out why, like there was no specific event or occurrence that caused it, I got completely stressed out and got even more down because I felt like I was a failure.
Turns out I'm not perfect. Really, I'm not. I know you think I am...I know I think I am, but I'm not. So it's ok to fail and it's ok to not enjoy failing. But with that being said, I didn't fail, I just felt like I did. But that's ok too. Hold on...lemme try to make more sense of this.
First, Julie said there may not be something that actually happened that caused my dip...or it may have just been a compilation of everything going on in the last few weeks--turning 30, still being sick after 6 weeks, my Uncle who passed away last Fall having his first birthday in heaven on the 8th, etc. But more importantly, whatever it was, it's more important for me to radically accept that these times will happen because I am never going to be perfectly happy all the time (no one is). Plus, I have the chemical component in my brain that will ensure this for the rest of my life. Do I just lay down and take it though? Absolutely not! I just find ways to get through it...effective ways.
Here's a shocking revealing fact about me (remember, don't judge)...I'm a cutter. I haven't done it in almost a year. But when I feel really down and it feels like it is not controllable in the slightest, my urge is to cut myself to have control over the pain I feel. If I cause the pain, then I am controlling it. Phew, this feels like a heavy topic I should give it's own blog, I think. So let's just leave it at that for now. I am a cutter because I have the urge to do that to control the pain even though I have not acted on this urge in almost a year. I'll talk more in depth about this in the future. But remember now, as you know this piece of information, you don't know all the facts about it, so you cannot judge it. Keep that in mind.
Last week was the first time I have felt my emotions so out of control that I felt like cutting again. Didn't act on it, but I did feel like I wanted to do it. And that brought me shame. I hate that part of me. I hate that I could not find a way to deal with the depression that didn't involve hurting myself. The shame leads to guilt...I feel guilty that I allowed myself to even think about that. The guilt and shame leads to more depression. The depression leads to trying to find a way to cope. The easiest and least harmful way of coping is to sleep. I know deep inside that the pain will pass, so I like to skip over that. Or at least I have used this coping method in the past. I've slept for days just waiting for the wave to break and life can be "normal" again. This time, I didn't cut, and I didn't sleep. But both urges were there. Just give in...it's easier.
Just the urges, just the fleeting thoughts to succumb to the blech feeling (a technical term in my book), those feel like failure to me again.... That damn failure thing! I like to be the best! I like to do everything well better than anyone else! I like to amaze people with all that I can do! So when I can't do something, it's failure to me. Julie says that the only way I can be perfect is to fail like everyone else. So to cope with failure, all I have to do is accept that everyone fails and it's ok. Wow, easier said than done! I've been working on this for a year and will be working on this until the day I die.
You have no idea how hard acceptance is. You know if you want to raise your left hand to itch your nose, you can easily do that. You know that if you want to push out a fart, you can do that too. You know that if you want to stick your finger into an electrical socket, go ahead, you can do it! But try to do the action of acceptance. Hard, isn't it?
Another thing that kills me, no one can tell me how to accept things. I cannot read a book to learn how to do it. If you know me at all, you know I can pick up any hobby and kick its ass within a week becoming a pro. Not being able to do this KILLS me! Again, it's a control thing! I cannot give you or anyone else pearls of wisdom on how to do this...but I can tell you it needs to be done. It makes me squirm just thinking about how vague that is.
Back to my therapy session, Julie said try to cope with the depression in the most effective way possible, but more importantly remember that it's not forever and you have gotten through it before so it will not kill you. Acknowledge the urges, then acknowledge the strength it took you to not succumb to them. Be proud of yourself for not getting down on yourself for feeling like you aren't in control. No one is in control...
I wish I could tell you I feel better today. I wish I could tell you I am out of the funk, all is well, she worked magic in telling me what she did. But I'd be lying... BUT the good thing is I'm ok with it, and I will get through it.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Not always a ray of sunshine...
Let me preface this with the fact that I have bipolar disorder and have been battling severe clinical depression and bouts of mania for over 13 years. My mental illness is under the care of a psychiatrist and therapists closely. I take 3 medications--antidepressants and mood stabilizers, and I am in an intense therapy program. I'm doing pretty well. It's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle. And I've learned to turn to my husband, therapists and psychiatrist when I feel a slide in my mood, which is very important when you have no control over which way you are going to go. With that all said....I still have bipolar disorder and I always will. I'm not ashamed of that in the slightest.
As I said, it's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle. Last May, I hit one of the hardest depressions of my life. I talked my psychiatrist into taking me off of a medication that caused me to gain weight because I was feeling good and didn't think I needed it. I wanted to try a different medication instead. Something that would allow me to not be fat (can you blame me?). Turns out that medication was working very well in controlling my depressions and going off of it was a very poor decision (on my part, not my psych's). I fell and I fell hard. Since then, my psych has been very careful about watching me....and my husband is on me like a fly on shit. But I like that. I will concede to the fact that I need help with this. I need them to back me up and make sure I can stand. Because when I fall there's no way I can get back up without them. Not just the medicine thing, but the support to get through the dip, just the reminder that this is a wave and soon I will be back to "normal" (whatever that may be).
I'm a control freak....wait let's say that better....Hello, My name is Taylor Lee Sawyer, and I am a control freak. "Hi Taylor!" It has been about 3 seconds from the last time I have been in control.... For someone that needs to be in control so much, it's a cruel cruel joke that God plagued me bipolar disorder! Or should we look at it less as a joke and more of a lesson? I constantly need to remind myself that it is ok when I am not in control (especially about this) and it's ok when I have to ask someone to help me through this. Luckily, I have the best husband EVER....and some pretty terrific friends and family too.
So it's been almost a year. I've been doing fab. I actually made it through a lot in the last year with out falling off the edge--my favorite uncle passed away after a long battle with cancer, I've had pneumonia and bronchitis twice this winter and then got slammed with Influenza B which STILL hasn't cleared up after 5 weeks, and so on and so forth. So why in the hell am I slumping right now??? Is it that I turned 30? Is it because Spring is having a really hard time beating Winter out? Is it because I'm more busy with work than I have ever been (which is actually a good thing) and it's becoming overwhelming? Or maybe I'm getting my period soon and I should just "get over it"...I have no clue. But the fact is, I'm down.
For the first time in a year, I've had a really rough couple of weeks where I have longed for my bed and a dark dark room to wallow in. I've been crying at the tip of a hat. And sometimes the crying lasts a really long time. I've been unmotivated and overwhelmed when faced with any task, even the minute ones like picking out clothes to wear. I've even had thoughts of cutting again (but have not acted on them).
Rest assured, my husband and therapists are fully aware of my state, so I won't fall off the deep end. But the fact remains that I'm stuck. I called my therapist yesterday while laying on the floor in my closet when I got overwhelmed trying to find some clothes to throw on to run errands (see, I wasn't exaggerating with that example). She said that no medicine or therapy is ever going to completely control these dips. She reminded me that it will get better soon, so "Ride the wave", she said. I have to trudge along trusting that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I can't see it right now. That may seem like some shitty advice, but really, just someone understanding and admitting that this is real helped immensely. I got dress...but I didn't shower because that was way too much work. I went and did what I had to do. And I felt better. Granted after it was all done, I went back to wishing I was in bed and away from the world...BUT the big thing is that I know I can get through this and I will like I always have before.
When I used to blog, it was all about this. Living with a mental illness. When I started this blog, I decided that it wouldn't be all about this. And I should remind you that I haven't felt like this in a loooooong time. So don't worry. I may throw this in now and again, but I'll be back to my normal wit and charm soon enough. But maybe this will help you understand others who may be in my same predicament.
As I said, it's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle. Last May, I hit one of the hardest depressions of my life. I talked my psychiatrist into taking me off of a medication that caused me to gain weight because I was feeling good and didn't think I needed it. I wanted to try a different medication instead. Something that would allow me to not be fat (can you blame me?). Turns out that medication was working very well in controlling my depressions and going off of it was a very poor decision (on my part, not my psych's). I fell and I fell hard. Since then, my psych has been very careful about watching me....and my husband is on me like a fly on shit. But I like that. I will concede to the fact that I need help with this. I need them to back me up and make sure I can stand. Because when I fall there's no way I can get back up without them. Not just the medicine thing, but the support to get through the dip, just the reminder that this is a wave and soon I will be back to "normal" (whatever that may be).
I'm a control freak....wait let's say that better....Hello, My name is Taylor Lee Sawyer, and I am a control freak. "Hi Taylor!" It has been about 3 seconds from the last time I have been in control.... For someone that needs to be in control so much, it's a cruel cruel joke that God plagued me bipolar disorder! Or should we look at it less as a joke and more of a lesson? I constantly need to remind myself that it is ok when I am not in control (especially about this) and it's ok when I have to ask someone to help me through this. Luckily, I have the best husband EVER....and some pretty terrific friends and family too.
So it's been almost a year. I've been doing fab. I actually made it through a lot in the last year with out falling off the edge--my favorite uncle passed away after a long battle with cancer, I've had pneumonia and bronchitis twice this winter and then got slammed with Influenza B which STILL hasn't cleared up after 5 weeks, and so on and so forth. So why in the hell am I slumping right now??? Is it that I turned 30? Is it because Spring is having a really hard time beating Winter out? Is it because I'm more busy with work than I have ever been (which is actually a good thing) and it's becoming overwhelming? Or maybe I'm getting my period soon and I should just "get over it"...I have no clue. But the fact is, I'm down.
For the first time in a year, I've had a really rough couple of weeks where I have longed for my bed and a dark dark room to wallow in. I've been crying at the tip of a hat. And sometimes the crying lasts a really long time. I've been unmotivated and overwhelmed when faced with any task, even the minute ones like picking out clothes to wear. I've even had thoughts of cutting again (but have not acted on them).
Rest assured, my husband and therapists are fully aware of my state, so I won't fall off the deep end. But the fact remains that I'm stuck. I called my therapist yesterday while laying on the floor in my closet when I got overwhelmed trying to find some clothes to throw on to run errands (see, I wasn't exaggerating with that example). She said that no medicine or therapy is ever going to completely control these dips. She reminded me that it will get better soon, so "Ride the wave", she said. I have to trudge along trusting that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I can't see it right now. That may seem like some shitty advice, but really, just someone understanding and admitting that this is real helped immensely. I got dress...but I didn't shower because that was way too much work. I went and did what I had to do. And I felt better. Granted after it was all done, I went back to wishing I was in bed and away from the world...BUT the big thing is that I know I can get through this and I will like I always have before.
When I used to blog, it was all about this. Living with a mental illness. When I started this blog, I decided that it wouldn't be all about this. And I should remind you that I haven't felt like this in a loooooong time. So don't worry. I may throw this in now and again, but I'll be back to my normal wit and charm soon enough. But maybe this will help you understand others who may be in my same predicament.
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