Please Push Me

I often waiver between wanting everyone to do everything for me and wanting to do everything myself.  It's either all or nothing for me.  And it shouldn't be.  I am very capable of doing everything myself, but I shouldn't have to.  At the same time, I shouldn't let anyone do everything for me.  I found out today that I need people to say no to me and to actually tell me I can do it myself.  I need that little push to feel confident enough to do something I am uncomfortable with.

"Make me dinner?"  "No, not tonight, you can do it yourself, here let me show you!"...."The toilet is clogged!  Plunge it for me!" "Nope, I know you hate it, but you can do it!  Try it!"  (Blurgh!)...."I'm overwhelmed trying to pick out clothes to wear today." "You can do it, honey.  I'm not going to pick out your clothes for you.  Start with underwear and move on from there."...."The kids are fighting again!" "Assert yourself and make them listen to you!  You don't want me to have to step in all the time!"

"I'm packing for our family to go to California. I need to get all the kids' clothes for 5 days, activities for the plane and airport, all of Tyson's medical equipment, medications, formula...." "Woah, you don't have to do that all yourself.  How about I get all of Tyson's stuff together while you do the kids' clothes?"...."I need to run to the pharmacy to pick up Ty's meds, I need to get groceries, I need to take Annie to dance and Ernie to puppy preschool, I need to finish crocheting a hat and I need to get props around for the photo shoot I have this weekend." "Let me help you, I'll go grocery shopping, get Ty's meds and take Annie to dance.  You can take Ernie to puppy preschool and be able to get your work done too."

More often than not, I give in when I ask for something to be done for me, or I often have things done for me automatically.  I like this actually.  But it's not healthy.  I'm becoming complacent and dependent in many ways.  On the other hand, I will often take on everything so I can make sure it's done my way or "perfect" in my eyes.  I need to 1) let go and trust others (this also tests my need for perfection), and 2) find things that I can do myself that I have been letting others do for me.  Such a fine balance!  This is going to be a difficult one!

On another note in a similar direction, I often need someone to back me up to boost my confidence.  If I want to do something, but I am scared to death of doing it, I need a cheerleader.  I don't want to depend on anyone like this, but it's so nice to have someone there saying, "Do it!"

For instance....

I've been active on the stage since I was a preteen.  I love taking a character and making them come to life.  I thrive off of a live audience and the thrill of it.  I love everything about theater.  And I'm good at it.  I've graced the stage in many plays with lead and supporting roles receiving raving reviews.  I ace auditions for comedies and dramas walking out knowing I will get a phone call for a part in the show in no time.

However, I'm terrified of musical auditions.  I don't know what it is about musical auditions that make me so much more nervous than an actual show, but I choke at them.  I've lost many roles due to this anxiety.  My throat tightens and I go off key, or I can't belt out my audition piece.  I often get parts in the chorus, and then the director hears me singing aimlessly while painting a backdrop and asks why I didn't sing like that for the auditions, "You would have gotten the lead."  I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me.

It's gotten to the point that I don't audition for musicals anymore.  And sadly, musicals are my very favorite.  Musicals are less like real life with all the singing and dancing.  It's so different than normal life.  It's fun to pretend life is actually like that.

In February, there were auditions for this musical that I really wanted to be in. I love the show, the songs, the plot, the humor, the characters.  It would have been an excellent experience.  Unfortunately, I was really doubting my singing abilities due to my many respiratory illnesses over this winter causing me to develop asthma.  I told myself I wasn't good enough to do it, I wouldn't be cast, I would just be wasting my time.

My mom and I went to closing night of another show at the same place the same day as the final auditions for this musical I wanted to be in.  I talked to the director during intermission, and he said he had a horrible turn out for the auditions the day before and was hoping I would be attending the ones that day.  I sat in turmoil through the rest of the play wanting so badly to go to these auditions.  I argued with myself about why I should do it and why I shouldn't.  In the end, I asked my mom what she thought.  When she answered me with "What ever you think is best," I called Luke asking the same question.  Basically I wanted both of them to say, "Do it!"  I wanted both of them to tell me they had faith in me to try out and enjoy the auditions whether I got a role or not.

Don't get me wrong, both mom and Luke, and all my friends say to me that I am a great actress and singer.  They back me up during months of play practice, they attend my performances (sometimes more than once), they give me bouquets of flowers and shower me with praise.  I love it!  And I do feel very supported.

But I need to be pushed into doing things that I love sometimes.  I need someone to show their confidence in me to help me bring out my confidence in myself.  Geez, that sounds so needy.  But at this point in my life where my self confidence is pretty shot, I need a little support until it's back where it should be.

Did this make sense to any one?  Basically, I'm just trying to tell myself something here, so sorry if you don't get the point. ;-)

(Just so you know, I ended up not auditioning for that play in February, and I admit I regret that choice. I don't know if I would have gotten a part, and I'm actually doubting it since my voice has suffered greatly from the asthma.  But I never would know since I didn't try.)