Things I think...

This is just an insight into my manic brain. Please note, when I say "you" or anything like that, I'm not necessarily talking about anyone in particular.  These are just things I think often.

Am I cool enough to be your friend?

I wonder if you're ever out with your other friends and you think, "I wish Taylor were here."

Did you notice my zit? I think you're looking at it.  Stop looking at it!

OMG!  Did I put make-up on today before I ran into you at Walmart?

I wish you liked me as much as her.

Did I look like a dork?

Why did I say that?

I'm not really interested in talking to you because I gotta potty, so I don't even know what you are saying.

What word am I thinking?  Oh, I'm going to sound really stupid if I use that word in the wrong context!

I could do that waaaaay better than you!

I totally don't get how your mind works!

I'm pretty sure you're joking, because I don't think that's pretty/good work so I don't see how you do.

You really hurt my feelings but I don't know how to tell you that without sounding pathetic.

I soooo could use that as a photo prop!

I have money in my bank account, so I have to spend it and I have to do it now!

I need to end our friendship because I'd rather not feel like poo because you love your other friends more than me.

If you talk to me like I'm a child one more time, I'm going to kick you in the knee!

I really should do that.....eh, I'll do it tomorrow.

Geez, I'm hungry!

I wish I were as cool as you.

I wonder if you wonder how I'm doing as much as I wonder how you are doing.

Do I seem stalkerish if I try to talk to you every day?

I'd rather be napping right now.

I'm totally going to blog this!

I wonder if you realize I haven't heard a word you are saying because I'm thinking of something else.

If I give more, people will love me more.

I am so angry right now that I could rip off your head an spit on the bloody stump that is your neck. Just sayin'.

Dammit, I should have thought before I said something.

I could have worn that....10 years ago! I wonder if you remember when I was skinny.

I wonder if you will realize I'm talking about you in my blog.

I don't understand why you like her?  I'm way cooler!

The only reason you can do that better than me is because you have the money to buy better equipment.

And you say you're a professional?

Can I smell your baby's head?  Seriously...I just like how it smells!

Did you wash your hands?

So I was just winging it there, but please make it look like I totally knew what I was doing!

That's it!  I'm runnin' away!

I just wanna lay in my bed and not do anything all day long....except eat, of course.

You really should be praising me for doing what I did so very very well! Or you will give me a complex!

How the hell did I get such a fat face?

You should really like me a lot more than you like her!

I like to make it look like I don't care, but I really do.

Can you do this for me?  I don't wanna.

Fiji....nuff said.

I have a craving for mushrooms.

Any woman under 150 pounds is stupid!  Grrrrr!

Me me me!  Why aren't you thinking about ME?!

Bridesmaids should wear jammie pants and tank tops!

That's it!  I'm starting a new trend!  Bridesmaids from now on will where pajama pants and tank tops...maybe even big fluffy bunny slippers.  That way all the attention will be put on the bride...the beautiful glowing bride who spent hundreds to thousands of dollars on her gown, hair, make-up, flowers, etc.  Why should a bridesmaid get a schnazzed up?  It's the bride's day.  All the attention should be on her.

Ok ok, truth be told, I want to dress up and be all fancy.  I want to have my hair done, use my contacts instead of my glasses, get fake nails, have someone else do my make-up, and wear a pretty pretty princess gown.  It's just such a freaking horrific chore for fat girls to find dresses!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, my mom, my friend Angie, and I went to a bridesmaids dress store in Fowler called Becker's.  Before I go on, I should mention that we all think Becker's is trying to take over that itty bitty town as there's Becker's Bridal, Becker's Formal, Becker's Mens, and Becker's Furniture.  We were actually quite disappointed that there was no Becker's Bar and Grill.  After all, every woman needs a good stiff drink after trying on bridesmaid dresses.

Angie and I are the same build...probably about the same weight.  My boobs are a lil bit bigger, but that's only because she had a reduction (lucky!).  Both of us fit right in between a 16 and an 18.  We also have very similar personalities.  So although I knew the whole dress thing was gonna suck, I knew I would be laughing through the whole thing.

We start picking through the dresses and realize that every single one is size 10.  "Sample size", as the ladies there called it.  I call it "Make-you-feel-like-meat-stuffed-in-sausage-casing size".  Yes, that is more suiting.  Regardless, we wanted to try to find something...or maybe we just wanted a good laugh.  So we pulled a bunch of dresses.  Me with 16, Ang with like 4 (maybe).  What Angie didn't know is that mom and I are pros at this now. I can get in and out of a dress in 6 seconds flat. Well...I can if it doesn't put my boobs in jail that is.

I've decided that if I ever want to dress just one of my boobs, I will purchase a size 10.  Or one of my thighs...Or if I feel like trying to suck in my hips (I've tried it, bones are stubborn buggers).  After just 45 minutes of trying on dresses we both gave up.  However, we laughed a whole bunch.  Angie and my mom stood outside of the dressing room saying they were going to record my grunts and curses while the dresses got caught on my boobs or my back sweat (you try to get in and out of a dress 6 sizes too small and do it without sweating), wouldn't fit over my hips, made my tummy look like I was 6 months pregnant...and while I made at least two zippers bust.

We walked out with one of the sales women (wearing less than a size 6, mind you) following after us saying, "Did you find everything ok?"  "Well, ma'am, I couldn't find anything that fit my big toe, so *shrug* can't tell what they would look like on me if they were in my size."  Her reply, "The companies only send us 10 for the samples."  My retort, "Tell those companies to send you 10 and 20, that way skinny minnies can try on dresses, and us big girls, which there are more of, will be able to as well.  You'll probably sell more!"  Ta ta!

Off to lunch and some chit chat among friends.  I love Angie.  I wish I saw her more often.  When she got up to visit the ladies' room, mom said, "She's just like you!"  This is so true.  She really made me feel so much better about dress shopping.  In fact, as mom and I went on to Lansing, and Angie returned home to be with her kids while her hubby went to a doctor's appointment, I lamented that she should be with me.  She would keep me grounded.  She would make it fun.  She would make me feel less crappy about myself.  Alas, it wasn't so...onward to more self-esteem crushing!

Mom and I went to Lett's in Lansing next.  We pulled about 10 dresses amongst the two of us, and anything I couldn't pull up over my hips or down over my boobs got immediately tossed.  I'm pretty sure we got through those dresses in 10 minutes.  I actually found one I really liked. It was quite similar to the one I liked at David's Bridal the last time we went shopping.  It had thick enough straps that I could wear a normal bra and feel like my boobs were secure.  It hid my spare tire and love handles. I felt pretty. 

We took the dress out to this young sales chick (I can't even call her a woman!) and asked to how long it would take to order.  She looked it up and it would be in by the end of June.  So I asked for her to take my measurements to see what size I would need.  If I wanted to go with that dress, then my mom, who works in Lansing, which is over an hour drive and about $38566 in gas to get there, would be able to come in and order it after we shopped around at other stores.  "We only measure if you are ordering."  And the little, young, sassy snot said it so smugly.  I wanted to punch her in the face.  Instead, we walked out without another word.  I don't have time, patience, or the money to return to the store again to order.

I decided then that the one from David's Bridal was, in fact, the one, so we went off to the DB in Okemos to check it out again and see what size I would need.  We easily found the one in both 16 and 18, of course they were in the wrong color, but that's ok, just trying it on for the size.  I put the 16 on first, and remarkably, it fit me PERFECTLY!  How about that for a confidence booster???  We grabbed the "consultant" (really, she was just my lacky-bitch, so why give her a cool title like that?) and told her to go figure out how long it would take to get in.  Now, when we were at DB two weeks ago they said 8 weeks.  When the lacky came back and said, "August", I almost shanked her.  My sister's wedding is on July 31.  I finally found the one dress that makes me feel pretty and confident and you are telling me it's going to take 4 months to get it??!!  This right after she says to us that the color we are wanting to get is a popular color and they make a lot of them so it shouldn't take more than 8 weeks at the most.

I felt hopeless.  First, I can't find anything that looks good on me, then I get told that the one that I actually like isn't possible.  My mom thought systematically constructing logistical ways to get it.  Where as I fell apart.  I just felt like giving up, and I seriously thought about telling my sister just to ask one of her skinny friends to be in her wedding and I would just be the most awesomest photographer in the world for her.  I tried to complain, I tried to whine.  Mom put her foot down and said, "I will get it!"

To take my mind of off it, we went to Hobby Lobby.  I love crocheting and have been trying to figure out how to make bunny ears on a hat stand upright, so I needed to find something to use for that.  But upon walking into the store, I was smacked in the face with a plethora of affordable photography props!  I was drooling, I think.  Mom wandered off to look for something as I walked up and down the aisles picking out things I wanted to put newborn babies in!  Success!  On a day of craptastic unsuccessful shopping, I found something to be successful about!  I walked out of that store with a large terra cotta pot, a little vintage looking treasure chest, the stuff I needed to make the ears stick up and a large foam board to use as a light reflector for studio use...and it was only $18!!!!  I'll be visiting that store again!

Alright, so, I'm feeling a little better and my sister calls.  She called a DB to ask if there is a way at all for us to get the dress.  They looked on the database to find what stores have F14050 in size 16 in the color of Lapis on the rack.  ONE dress in this nationwide franchise is available on the rack only in Colorado.  I felt a little better.  They could pull the dress and ship it to me.  Then they popped my bubble....turns out the dress was not on the rack at all.  I seriously wanted to tell the lady to go raid all the dresses the potential bridesmaids there were trying on.  Search, Woman!  Search!  You have no idea what this dress means to me!!!!

What's next?  Well, maybe we could find it one size bigger and then have it taken in.  We had them look in the database again, and there were TWO!  And guess what?  It's going to be in my hands on Wednesday!  THE dress, THE color...just one size too big, but we can work with that.

Feel free to hate this mini-sized model. I do!

Are you cheering yet?  Through all this torture and pain, I finally found one.  And I WILL feel beautiful on my sister's wedding day.  I cannot tell you how much of a relief that is!



Wedding-Countdowns

Please Push Me

I often waiver between wanting everyone to do everything for me and wanting to do everything myself.  It's either all or nothing for me.  And it shouldn't be.  I am very capable of doing everything myself, but I shouldn't have to.  At the same time, I shouldn't let anyone do everything for me.  I found out today that I need people to say no to me and to actually tell me I can do it myself.  I need that little push to feel confident enough to do something I am uncomfortable with.

"Make me dinner?"  "No, not tonight, you can do it yourself, here let me show you!"...."The toilet is clogged!  Plunge it for me!" "Nope, I know you hate it, but you can do it!  Try it!"  (Blurgh!)...."I'm overwhelmed trying to pick out clothes to wear today." "You can do it, honey.  I'm not going to pick out your clothes for you.  Start with underwear and move on from there."...."The kids are fighting again!" "Assert yourself and make them listen to you!  You don't want me to have to step in all the time!"

"I'm packing for our family to go to California. I need to get all the kids' clothes for 5 days, activities for the plane and airport, all of Tyson's medical equipment, medications, formula...." "Woah, you don't have to do that all yourself.  How about I get all of Tyson's stuff together while you do the kids' clothes?"...."I need to run to the pharmacy to pick up Ty's meds, I need to get groceries, I need to take Annie to dance and Ernie to puppy preschool, I need to finish crocheting a hat and I need to get props around for the photo shoot I have this weekend." "Let me help you, I'll go grocery shopping, get Ty's meds and take Annie to dance.  You can take Ernie to puppy preschool and be able to get your work done too."

More often than not, I give in when I ask for something to be done for me, or I often have things done for me automatically.  I like this actually.  But it's not healthy.  I'm becoming complacent and dependent in many ways.  On the other hand, I will often take on everything so I can make sure it's done my way or "perfect" in my eyes.  I need to 1) let go and trust others (this also tests my need for perfection), and 2) find things that I can do myself that I have been letting others do for me.  Such a fine balance!  This is going to be a difficult one!

On another note in a similar direction, I often need someone to back me up to boost my confidence.  If I want to do something, but I am scared to death of doing it, I need a cheerleader.  I don't want to depend on anyone like this, but it's so nice to have someone there saying, "Do it!"

For instance....

I've been active on the stage since I was a preteen.  I love taking a character and making them come to life.  I thrive off of a live audience and the thrill of it.  I love everything about theater.  And I'm good at it.  I've graced the stage in many plays with lead and supporting roles receiving raving reviews.  I ace auditions for comedies and dramas walking out knowing I will get a phone call for a part in the show in no time.

However, I'm terrified of musical auditions.  I don't know what it is about musical auditions that make me so much more nervous than an actual show, but I choke at them.  I've lost many roles due to this anxiety.  My throat tightens and I go off key, or I can't belt out my audition piece.  I often get parts in the chorus, and then the director hears me singing aimlessly while painting a backdrop and asks why I didn't sing like that for the auditions, "You would have gotten the lead."  I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me.

It's gotten to the point that I don't audition for musicals anymore.  And sadly, musicals are my very favorite.  Musicals are less like real life with all the singing and dancing.  It's so different than normal life.  It's fun to pretend life is actually like that.

In February, there were auditions for this musical that I really wanted to be in. I love the show, the songs, the plot, the humor, the characters.  It would have been an excellent experience.  Unfortunately, I was really doubting my singing abilities due to my many respiratory illnesses over this winter causing me to develop asthma.  I told myself I wasn't good enough to do it, I wouldn't be cast, I would just be wasting my time.

My mom and I went to closing night of another show at the same place the same day as the final auditions for this musical I wanted to be in.  I talked to the director during intermission, and he said he had a horrible turn out for the auditions the day before and was hoping I would be attending the ones that day.  I sat in turmoil through the rest of the play wanting so badly to go to these auditions.  I argued with myself about why I should do it and why I shouldn't.  In the end, I asked my mom what she thought.  When she answered me with "What ever you think is best," I called Luke asking the same question.  Basically I wanted both of them to say, "Do it!"  I wanted both of them to tell me they had faith in me to try out and enjoy the auditions whether I got a role or not.

Don't get me wrong, both mom and Luke, and all my friends say to me that I am a great actress and singer.  They back me up during months of play practice, they attend my performances (sometimes more than once), they give me bouquets of flowers and shower me with praise.  I love it!  And I do feel very supported.

But I need to be pushed into doing things that I love sometimes.  I need someone to show their confidence in me to help me bring out my confidence in myself.  Geez, that sounds so needy.  But at this point in my life where my self confidence is pretty shot, I need a little support until it's back where it should be.

Did this make sense to any one?  Basically, I'm just trying to tell myself something here, so sorry if you don't get the point. ;-)

(Just so you know, I ended up not auditioning for that play in February, and I admit I regret that choice. I don't know if I would have gotten a part, and I'm actually doubting it since my voice has suffered greatly from the asthma.  But I never would know since I didn't try.)