I will always need medication...and I accept that.

I have group therapy every Wednesday.  This one, unlike the DBT "classes" that I was doing last year, is not mandatory to continue my treatment.  It's basically a group of DBT "grads" who are just there to support each other.

I haven't gone in like 6 weeks, until yesterday.  I kind of went into it with ill will towards therapy because of Monday's debacle.  I had a poor attitude.  I didn't want to be there.  But one of my groupmates called me on Monday and asked where I have been.  So I figured I would go for them, for the members who have been wondering where I disappeared to.

I talked to one of the members that has the same therapist that I have.  She and I actually started this therapy on the same day, so we've been together for the last year and a half through this huge change in our lives to live by these general rules.  She asked me how I was feeling. I asked her if she meant physically or mentally/emotionally.  She said both.  I told her I was finally over the sinus infection crap that I've had for the last couple of months, but told her that I've been feeling more depressed than usual.  Then we got into what happened in therapy.  That I asked my doc to help me with meds, and that my therapist got "mad".

I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to have someone understand what I was saying.  She's had the same problem before.  She feels that the therapist is quite "anti-medication".  Or rather she's just giving us that air about her.  Both of us understand that using the skills to the max is of utmost importance, but having our therapist speak down about medication is very conflicting and hard to deal with.  After Monday's therapy session, I thought a lot about what my doctor says and what my therapist says and just came out of it so confused and frustrated that it made me even more depressed.  And apparently, I'm not the only one thinking/feeling that.

I intend on going to therapy as usual on Monday and explaining this.  I'm not interested in her discussing my medications any longer as I feel like she thinks they are a negative entity in my treatment.  I've seen me off meds, my psychiatrist has seen me off meds...there's no way I am ever going to go off of them, no matter how many skills I have "on board" in my life.  I may have borderline personality disorder but I also have bipolar disorder and that, my dears, is a chemical imbalance and needs medication to treat.  I need her to just understand that and get over it.  If not, I'm going to resent her and get nothing out of therapy, and that's not acceptable.

On another note, I've been feeling alright this week.  I've been keeping my hands constantly busy, lots of crocheting.  I've been giving myself tasks that I want to get done each day so that I actually do something instead of sit around and wallow.  Not that I was doing that, but having a list of stuff to do and getting to cross them off when they are done just raises my spirits a little bit.  I'm using my skills even though I feel resentful about them, even though I feel like giving up and rebelling against this therapy.

Not always a ray of sunshine...

Let me preface this with the fact that I have bipolar disorder and have been battling severe clinical depression and bouts of mania for over 13 years.  My mental illness is under the care of a psychiatrist and therapists closely.  I take 3 medications--antidepressants and mood stabilizers, and I am in an intense therapy program.  I'm doing pretty well.  It's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle.  And I've learned to turn to my husband, therapists and psychiatrist when I feel a slide in my mood, which is very important when you have no control over which way you are going to go.  With that all said....I still have bipolar disorder and I always will.  I'm not ashamed of that in the slightest.

As I said, it's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle.  Last May, I hit one of the hardest depressions of my life.  I talked my psychiatrist into taking me off of a medication that caused me to gain weight because I was feeling good and didn't think I needed it.  I wanted to try a different medication instead.  Something that would allow me to not be fat (can you blame me?).  Turns out that medication was working very well in controlling my depressions and going off of it was a very poor decision (on my part, not my psych's).  I fell and I fell hard.  Since then, my psych has been very careful about watching me....and my husband is on me like a fly on shit.  But I like that.  I will concede to the fact that I need help with this.  I need them to back me up and make sure I can stand.  Because when I fall there's no way I can get back up without them.  Not just the medicine thing, but the support to get through the dip, just the reminder that this is a wave and soon I will be back to "normal" (whatever that may be). 

I'm a control freak....wait let's say that better....Hello, My name is Taylor Lee Sawyer, and I am a control freak.  "Hi Taylor!"  It has been about 3 seconds from the last time I have been in control....  For someone that needs to be in control so much, it's a cruel cruel joke that God plagued me bipolar disorder!  Or should we look at it less as a joke and more of a lesson?  I constantly need to remind myself that it is ok when I am not in control (especially about this) and it's ok when I have to ask someone to help me through this.  Luckily, I have the best husband EVER....and some pretty terrific friends and family too.

So it's been almost a year.  I've been doing fab.  I actually made it through a lot in the last year with out falling off the edge--my favorite uncle passed away after a long battle with cancer, I've had pneumonia and bronchitis twice this winter and then got slammed with Influenza B which STILL hasn't cleared up after 5 weeks, and so on and so forth.  So why in the hell am I slumping right now???  Is it that I turned 30?  Is it because Spring is having a really hard time beating Winter out?  Is it because I'm more busy with work than I have ever been (which is actually a good thing) and it's becoming overwhelming?  Or maybe I'm getting my period soon and I should just "get over it"...I have no clue.  But the fact is, I'm down.

For the first time in a year, I've had a really rough couple of weeks where I have longed for my bed and a dark dark room to wallow in.  I've been crying at the tip of a hat.  And sometimes the crying lasts a really long time.  I've been unmotivated and overwhelmed when faced with any task, even the minute ones like picking out clothes to wear.  I've even had thoughts of cutting again (but have not acted on them).

Rest assured, my husband and therapists are fully aware of my state, so I won't fall off the deep end.  But the fact remains that I'm stuck.  I called my therapist yesterday while laying on the floor in my closet when I got overwhelmed trying to find some clothes to throw on to run errands (see, I wasn't exaggerating with that example).  She said that no medicine or therapy is ever going to completely control these dips.  She reminded me that it will get better soon, so "Ride the wave", she said.  I have to trudge along trusting that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I can't see it right now.  That may seem like some shitty advice, but really, just someone understanding and admitting that this is real helped immensely.  I got dress...but I didn't shower because that was way too much work.  I went and did what I had to do.  And I felt better.  Granted after it was all done, I went back to wishing I was in bed and away from the world...BUT the big thing is that I know I can get through this and I will like I always have before.

When I used to blog, it was all about this.  Living with a mental illness.  When I started this blog, I decided that it wouldn't be all about this.  And I should remind you that I haven't felt like this in a loooooong time.  So don't worry.  I may throw this in now and again, but I'll be back to my normal wit and charm soon enough.  But maybe this will help you understand others who may be in my same predicament.