I have group therapy every Wednesday. This one, unlike the DBT "classes" that I was doing last year, is not mandatory to continue my treatment. It's basically a group of DBT "grads" who are just there to support each other.
I haven't gone in like 6 weeks, until yesterday. I kind of went into it with ill will towards therapy because of Monday's debacle. I had a poor attitude. I didn't want to be there. But one of my groupmates called me on Monday and asked where I have been. So I figured I would go for them, for the members who have been wondering where I disappeared to.
I talked to one of the members that has the same therapist that I have. She and I actually started this therapy on the same day, so we've been together for the last year and a half through this huge change in our lives to live by these general rules. She asked me how I was feeling. I asked her if she meant physically or mentally/emotionally. She said both. I told her I was finally over the sinus infection crap that I've had for the last couple of months, but told her that I've been feeling more depressed than usual. Then we got into what happened in therapy. That I asked my doc to help me with meds, and that my therapist got "mad".
I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to have someone understand what I was saying. She's had the same problem before. She feels that the therapist is quite "anti-medication". Or rather she's just giving us that air about her. Both of us understand that using the skills to the max is of utmost importance, but having our therapist speak down about medication is very conflicting and hard to deal with. After Monday's therapy session, I thought a lot about what my doctor says and what my therapist says and just came out of it so confused and frustrated that it made me even more depressed. And apparently, I'm not the only one thinking/feeling that.
I intend on going to therapy as usual on Monday and explaining this. I'm not interested in her discussing my medications any longer as I feel like she thinks they are a negative entity in my treatment. I've seen me off meds, my psychiatrist has seen me off meds...there's no way I am ever going to go off of them, no matter how many skills I have "on board" in my life. I may have borderline personality disorder but I also have bipolar disorder and that, my dears, is a chemical imbalance and needs medication to treat. I need her to just understand that and get over it. If not, I'm going to resent her and get nothing out of therapy, and that's not acceptable.
On another note, I've been feeling alright this week. I've been keeping my hands constantly busy, lots of crocheting. I've been giving myself tasks that I want to get done each day so that I actually do something instead of sit around and wallow. Not that I was doing that, but having a list of stuff to do and getting to cross them off when they are done just raises my spirits a little bit. I'm using my skills even though I feel resentful about them, even though I feel like giving up and rebelling against this therapy.
Showing posts with label medications. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medications. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Medication vs Therapy
I spent most of today crying again. I have therapy every Monday morning. I told my therapist last week after my psychiatrist appointment how my doctor boosted my antidepressant medications for two weeks every month to compensate for the hormone changes causing chemical imbalances. I think I may have mentioned this in my last message, but she basically said, "Well what kind of skills can you use instead of medications to help you through this." She doesn't get it. I use skill out my ass and during this time THEY ARE NOT HELPING. No one should feel like they are one big black hole for two weeks straight. Those weeks feel like they last two years. Those weeks make me feel so low, so lost, so alone, that I don't want to live. (Don't worry. I promise I won't kill myself and that I don't think about that. There's a difference between not wanting to live and wanting to kill oneself.)
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)- a system of therapy to treat people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) combining standard cognitive-behavior techniques for emotional regulation and reality testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness.
Blah blah blah....Eh, It works, it really does. I will give it that. In fact, I think everyone, even people without BPD should learn these techniques. I think they should teach it in schools starting in elementary education. I'm not joking. These things should be taught to the general public. It would make the world a better place. It won't fix it, but it will be better.
IT WON'T FIX IT...but it will be better. Ah, that leads me into the next thing...I AM NOT FIXED, but I am better. I use these skills I have learned to the capacity. Like I said I use them until they pour out every orifice of my body. I try so hard....and yet, I am so low. I am so empty. I am so "not fixed".
I never expected this therapy, or any therapy for that matter, to fix me. Not that I think I am unfixable, but I didn't expect it to be a miracle. I expected it to do as it did. It helped me tremendously, and it still does. I'm glad I did it. But to have my therapist sit there and tell me that "medications aren't a solution" and say "what skills should you use instead of medications?" is a huge kick in the face.
One of the major things in DBT is Radical Acceptance--letting go of fighting reality, accept your situation for what it is. And she even brought that up today. "Radically accept that you will have these times and that they will end soon." I'm sorry, but although, I will (and have) radically accept that this is part of me, I will not radically accept that there is nothing I can do about it...that, although I have tried to get through it properly and "effectively" (another huge DBT word) and I'm still in it, that it could indeed be chemical. Blasphemy in the DBT world, apparently. "Chemical"....
Do you think my psychiatrist would prescribe me medications when he doesn't view them as necessary? I wish she could see me off of medications. I wish there was a safe way for me to go off of them and still use my skills to show her that they are not enough. That I do, in fact, have a severe chemical imbalance, and that the medications are extremely necessary. Alas, this can't happen. Those who know this part of me are afraid of it, for me that is. They have been afraid for me, my safety, when I have gone through that. Even my doctor won't do this because he knows this, he's seen it first hand. He knows it's dangerous. Why can't my therapist take everyone's word for it? She didn't, hasn't known me medication free, yet she doesn't think they are the "effective" choice here? I don't think she has the right to say that.
I'm calling my psychiatrist to ask him to back me up on this. Both for my own peace at mind and to make my therapist stop pushing this issue. I need him to confirm to me that he believes I have a chemical imbalance and what is mentally wrong with me is not all emotional/behavioral but physical. I want him to flat out say he will not take me off of the medications. That we've tried it before and I have crashed and burned and...worse even.
Don't get me wrong when I say this, I think Julie is a fantastic therapist, but I really think therapist should have to have gone through what us mentally ill patients have gone through before they get accredited. Otherwise, they will never know, they will never understand us, and they will push these things on us. It makes me feel hopeless and not good enough....
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)- a system of therapy to treat people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) combining standard cognitive-behavior techniques for emotional regulation and reality testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness.
Blah blah blah....Eh, It works, it really does. I will give it that. In fact, I think everyone, even people without BPD should learn these techniques. I think they should teach it in schools starting in elementary education. I'm not joking. These things should be taught to the general public. It would make the world a better place. It won't fix it, but it will be better.
IT WON'T FIX IT...but it will be better. Ah, that leads me into the next thing...I AM NOT FIXED, but I am better. I use these skills I have learned to the capacity. Like I said I use them until they pour out every orifice of my body. I try so hard....and yet, I am so low. I am so empty. I am so "not fixed".
I never expected this therapy, or any therapy for that matter, to fix me. Not that I think I am unfixable, but I didn't expect it to be a miracle. I expected it to do as it did. It helped me tremendously, and it still does. I'm glad I did it. But to have my therapist sit there and tell me that "medications aren't a solution" and say "what skills should you use instead of medications?" is a huge kick in the face.
One of the major things in DBT is Radical Acceptance--letting go of fighting reality, accept your situation for what it is. And she even brought that up today. "Radically accept that you will have these times and that they will end soon." I'm sorry, but although, I will (and have) radically accept that this is part of me, I will not radically accept that there is nothing I can do about it...that, although I have tried to get through it properly and "effectively" (another huge DBT word) and I'm still in it, that it could indeed be chemical. Blasphemy in the DBT world, apparently. "Chemical"....
Do you think my psychiatrist would prescribe me medications when he doesn't view them as necessary? I wish she could see me off of medications. I wish there was a safe way for me to go off of them and still use my skills to show her that they are not enough. That I do, in fact, have a severe chemical imbalance, and that the medications are extremely necessary. Alas, this can't happen. Those who know this part of me are afraid of it, for me that is. They have been afraid for me, my safety, when I have gone through that. Even my doctor won't do this because he knows this, he's seen it first hand. He knows it's dangerous. Why can't my therapist take everyone's word for it? She didn't, hasn't known me medication free, yet she doesn't think they are the "effective" choice here? I don't think she has the right to say that.
I'm calling my psychiatrist to ask him to back me up on this. Both for my own peace at mind and to make my therapist stop pushing this issue. I need him to confirm to me that he believes I have a chemical imbalance and what is mentally wrong with me is not all emotional/behavioral but physical. I want him to flat out say he will not take me off of the medications. That we've tried it before and I have crashed and burned and...worse even.
Don't get me wrong when I say this, I think Julie is a fantastic therapist, but I really think therapist should have to have gone through what us mentally ill patients have gone through before they get accredited. Otherwise, they will never know, they will never understand us, and they will push these things on us. It makes me feel hopeless and not good enough....
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Fat Sucks
Fat Vent: I have a very limited amount of clothes that fit me anymore, although my closet is full. I keep saying I don't want to get rid of the stuff that doesn't fit anymore because someday I will lose this weight that I have gained due to multiple factors ranging from pregnancies to medications to just plain old laziness (most likely caused by depression). But keeping it makes me depressed even more and makes me mad at myself for gaining so much. And somehow my clothes that fit keep getting buried by the clothes that are mocking me by some mysterious and cruel force.
Eat right, exercise, be more confident, accept yourself....bug off. It's so hard when its not really in your hands....
I'm putting all the small(er) clothes together and giving them to my mother-in-law hoping she can sell them this summer at her yard sale or something. Maybe then I can afford some clothes that actually fit me instead of rotating the 5 shirts and 3 pairs of jeans that do fit.
Pardon my random and public pity party. It's rare that I do this anymore. But maybe it will make people look at overweight people a little differently.
Eat right, exercise, be more confident, accept yourself....bug off. It's so hard when its not really in your hands....
I'm putting all the small(er) clothes together and giving them to my mother-in-law hoping she can sell them this summer at her yard sale or something. Maybe then I can afford some clothes that actually fit me instead of rotating the 5 shirts and 3 pairs of jeans that do fit.
Pardon my random and public pity party. It's rare that I do this anymore. But maybe it will make people look at overweight people a little differently.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
You know you've gained too much weight when....
...you still wear your maternity clothes even though you haven't been pregnant for almost 5 years...and they are even too small.
...you can't cross your legs because your thighs run into each other.
...your boobs spill out of the top of every bra you own.
...your kids tell you that you're the best pillow.
...you wear your husband's clothes more than your own.
I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. But I have a damn good reason for it: freaking bipolar medications. About 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds on my own! Then I started Seroquel and gained it all back over the next 6 months. My psychiatrist told me that Seroquel blocks the part of the brain that tells you that you are full. So that ravenous feeling I constantly had I can blame on the medication. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
But in all honesty, I love to eat. And the things that are so not good for you are my favorites. I love cheese and bread. I love sweets. I'm an ice cream addict. Fried foods are to die for! Mmmmm burger...... Ok, enough, I'm drooling now.
At the beginning of 2011, Luke and I changed our diets completely by replacing healthier foods for the not so healthy ones. We did pretty well for 2 or 3 weeks, but if we are being truthful with ourselves, the replacements really didn't taste like the real deal that we were constantly craving. We quit the replacements and tried to just eat what we like, just in moderation instead. That took about a week to go out the window. Sigh...I have such horrible will power!
I have this theory that since I maintain the weight I am at (200 lbs) with my normal diet and activity level, that if I change just one of them, I should see results. After all, the first time I lost 50 lbs, all I did was eat better, no exercise changes. We failed miserably at the whole eating thing, so I tried tackling the exercise thing.
I loathe exercise. I've never been one to like it. I mean, even back when I was thin and fit, I was athletic (could kick anyone's butt in a race) and energetic (or manic, one of the two), but I hated actually buckling down and doing anything that was considered exercise. In fact, I studied karate from 11 to 16 (yah, I even have my blackbelt!), and during classes we had to warm up with exercise type stuff (sit ups, push ups, etc). I lazily went through that, and then when we got to the real karate stuff, I was back in full force. Exercise is not fun to me. I don't get the people who are addicted to exercising.
In January, we bought a Wii. I was super excited because I could play games (which were fun) and still be exercising (or at least tricking myself into exercising without even knowing it). We got the Wii Fit bundle, the sports resort games, and Just Dance 2. For a good few weeks, I was doing pretty well. I would commit to at least 30 minutes a day playing the Wii to get myself up and moving (hey, it was better than nothing, which is what I was previously doing). I liked that I was competing against myself in many of the games. Having that drive to beat my last score (or crush anyone else's saved score) was motivating.
But soon I got bored.....and my knees hurt, my left foot was having issues, my back ached. I quit again. How does a fat person exercise when all it does is hurt like hell? I'm getting old. No gray hairs, but damn, my joints hurt. From my knuckles to my shoulders, to each individual vertebrae in my back to my hips, my knees, my ankles...I'm in pain when I do any kind of exercise....even walking to the park and back (which is a block away).
It's an endless cycle...meds caused weight gain, weight gain makes me depressed even though meds are working, try to go off meds to lose weight, get depressed because meds were fixing the depression issues, go back on meds, gain weight back....then add in the more weight I have the more my joints hurt, so I need to lose weight to be able to lighten up on my joints, but to lose weight I need to exercise, and that hurts. AHHHHHH!
Like I said, I'm working on it. No pain, no gain, right? Wait, shouldn't that say, "No pain, no lose?" Anyway, I'm trying.
On another note, I wanted to point out something that I am sure everyone does. Have you ever seen an overweight lady who's clothes are too small and unflattering? And your immediate thought is "Ew, gross!" Right? Let me give you something to think about. Maybe that woman is on medications for bipolar, kidney disease, diabetes, high blood pressure or seizures, or even birth control or steroids for breathing problems and other illnesses, that is causing her to gain weight. Maybe she can't really afford to get a whole new wardrobe because of the weight gain, so she's just trying to make the best of what she has in her closet. Maybe her bigger clothes that she did purchase when she gained weight are all in the laundry so she's wearing what's left. Maybe her child spilled something on the shirt she was wearing earlier that fit her better and she had to grab something else to wear. Maybe her house burned down and the only clothes she has are the things people donated to her. So now do you think, "Ew gross!"? Naw, she seems a little more acceptable, right?
The fact is you do not know everything about anyone, so judging them isn't really fair. And you all like me, right? Well, everything about that woman (except the house burning down) applies to me. So are you thinking, "Ew gross!" still? Just something to think about. :-)
...you can't cross your legs because your thighs run into each other.
...your boobs spill out of the top of every bra you own.
...your kids tell you that you're the best pillow.
...you wear your husband's clothes more than your own.
I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. But I have a damn good reason for it: freaking bipolar medications. About 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds on my own! Then I started Seroquel and gained it all back over the next 6 months. My psychiatrist told me that Seroquel blocks the part of the brain that tells you that you are full. So that ravenous feeling I constantly had I can blame on the medication. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
But in all honesty, I love to eat. And the things that are so not good for you are my favorites. I love cheese and bread. I love sweets. I'm an ice cream addict. Fried foods are to die for! Mmmmm burger...... Ok, enough, I'm drooling now.
At the beginning of 2011, Luke and I changed our diets completely by replacing healthier foods for the not so healthy ones. We did pretty well for 2 or 3 weeks, but if we are being truthful with ourselves, the replacements really didn't taste like the real deal that we were constantly craving. We quit the replacements and tried to just eat what we like, just in moderation instead. That took about a week to go out the window. Sigh...I have such horrible will power!
I have this theory that since I maintain the weight I am at (200 lbs) with my normal diet and activity level, that if I change just one of them, I should see results. After all, the first time I lost 50 lbs, all I did was eat better, no exercise changes. We failed miserably at the whole eating thing, so I tried tackling the exercise thing.
I loathe exercise. I've never been one to like it. I mean, even back when I was thin and fit, I was athletic (could kick anyone's butt in a race) and energetic (or manic, one of the two), but I hated actually buckling down and doing anything that was considered exercise. In fact, I studied karate from 11 to 16 (yah, I even have my blackbelt!), and during classes we had to warm up with exercise type stuff (sit ups, push ups, etc). I lazily went through that, and then when we got to the real karate stuff, I was back in full force. Exercise is not fun to me. I don't get the people who are addicted to exercising.
In January, we bought a Wii. I was super excited because I could play games (which were fun) and still be exercising (or at least tricking myself into exercising without even knowing it). We got the Wii Fit bundle, the sports resort games, and Just Dance 2. For a good few weeks, I was doing pretty well. I would commit to at least 30 minutes a day playing the Wii to get myself up and moving (hey, it was better than nothing, which is what I was previously doing). I liked that I was competing against myself in many of the games. Having that drive to beat my last score (or crush anyone else's saved score) was motivating.
But soon I got bored.....and my knees hurt, my left foot was having issues, my back ached. I quit again. How does a fat person exercise when all it does is hurt like hell? I'm getting old. No gray hairs, but damn, my joints hurt. From my knuckles to my shoulders, to each individual vertebrae in my back to my hips, my knees, my ankles...I'm in pain when I do any kind of exercise....even walking to the park and back (which is a block away).
It's an endless cycle...meds caused weight gain, weight gain makes me depressed even though meds are working, try to go off meds to lose weight, get depressed because meds were fixing the depression issues, go back on meds, gain weight back....then add in the more weight I have the more my joints hurt, so I need to lose weight to be able to lighten up on my joints, but to lose weight I need to exercise, and that hurts. AHHHHHH!
Like I said, I'm working on it. No pain, no gain, right? Wait, shouldn't that say, "No pain, no lose?" Anyway, I'm trying.
On another note, I wanted to point out something that I am sure everyone does. Have you ever seen an overweight lady who's clothes are too small and unflattering? And your immediate thought is "Ew, gross!" Right? Let me give you something to think about. Maybe that woman is on medications for bipolar, kidney disease, diabetes, high blood pressure or seizures, or even birth control or steroids for breathing problems and other illnesses, that is causing her to gain weight. Maybe she can't really afford to get a whole new wardrobe because of the weight gain, so she's just trying to make the best of what she has in her closet. Maybe her bigger clothes that she did purchase when she gained weight are all in the laundry so she's wearing what's left. Maybe her child spilled something on the shirt she was wearing earlier that fit her better and she had to grab something else to wear. Maybe her house burned down and the only clothes she has are the things people donated to her. So now do you think, "Ew gross!"? Naw, she seems a little more acceptable, right?
The fact is you do not know everything about anyone, so judging them isn't really fair. And you all like me, right? Well, everything about that woman (except the house burning down) applies to me. So are you thinking, "Ew gross!" still? Just something to think about. :-)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Not always a ray of sunshine...
Let me preface this with the fact that I have bipolar disorder and have been battling severe clinical depression and bouts of mania for over 13 years. My mental illness is under the care of a psychiatrist and therapists closely. I take 3 medications--antidepressants and mood stabilizers, and I am in an intense therapy program. I'm doing pretty well. It's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle. And I've learned to turn to my husband, therapists and psychiatrist when I feel a slide in my mood, which is very important when you have no control over which way you are going to go. With that all said....I still have bipolar disorder and I always will. I'm not ashamed of that in the slightest.
As I said, it's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle. Last May, I hit one of the hardest depressions of my life. I talked my psychiatrist into taking me off of a medication that caused me to gain weight because I was feeling good and didn't think I needed it. I wanted to try a different medication instead. Something that would allow me to not be fat (can you blame me?). Turns out that medication was working very well in controlling my depressions and going off of it was a very poor decision (on my part, not my psych's). I fell and I fell hard. Since then, my psych has been very careful about watching me....and my husband is on me like a fly on shit. But I like that. I will concede to the fact that I need help with this. I need them to back me up and make sure I can stand. Because when I fall there's no way I can get back up without them. Not just the medicine thing, but the support to get through the dip, just the reminder that this is a wave and soon I will be back to "normal" (whatever that may be).
I'm a control freak....wait let's say that better....Hello, My name is Taylor Lee Sawyer, and I am a control freak. "Hi Taylor!" It has been about 3 seconds from the last time I have been in control.... For someone that needs to be in control so much, it's a cruel cruel joke that God plagued me bipolar disorder! Or should we look at it less as a joke and more of a lesson? I constantly need to remind myself that it is ok when I am not in control (especially about this) and it's ok when I have to ask someone to help me through this. Luckily, I have the best husband EVER....and some pretty terrific friends and family too.
So it's been almost a year. I've been doing fab. I actually made it through a lot in the last year with out falling off the edge--my favorite uncle passed away after a long battle with cancer, I've had pneumonia and bronchitis twice this winter and then got slammed with Influenza B which STILL hasn't cleared up after 5 weeks, and so on and so forth. So why in the hell am I slumping right now??? Is it that I turned 30? Is it because Spring is having a really hard time beating Winter out? Is it because I'm more busy with work than I have ever been (which is actually a good thing) and it's becoming overwhelming? Or maybe I'm getting my period soon and I should just "get over it"...I have no clue. But the fact is, I'm down.
For the first time in a year, I've had a really rough couple of weeks where I have longed for my bed and a dark dark room to wallow in. I've been crying at the tip of a hat. And sometimes the crying lasts a really long time. I've been unmotivated and overwhelmed when faced with any task, even the minute ones like picking out clothes to wear. I've even had thoughts of cutting again (but have not acted on them).
Rest assured, my husband and therapists are fully aware of my state, so I won't fall off the deep end. But the fact remains that I'm stuck. I called my therapist yesterday while laying on the floor in my closet when I got overwhelmed trying to find some clothes to throw on to run errands (see, I wasn't exaggerating with that example). She said that no medicine or therapy is ever going to completely control these dips. She reminded me that it will get better soon, so "Ride the wave", she said. I have to trudge along trusting that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I can't see it right now. That may seem like some shitty advice, but really, just someone understanding and admitting that this is real helped immensely. I got dress...but I didn't shower because that was way too much work. I went and did what I had to do. And I felt better. Granted after it was all done, I went back to wishing I was in bed and away from the world...BUT the big thing is that I know I can get through this and I will like I always have before.
When I used to blog, it was all about this. Living with a mental illness. When I started this blog, I decided that it wouldn't be all about this. And I should remind you that I haven't felt like this in a loooooong time. So don't worry. I may throw this in now and again, but I'll be back to my normal wit and charm soon enough. But maybe this will help you understand others who may be in my same predicament.
As I said, it's been almost a year since my last major depression cycle. Last May, I hit one of the hardest depressions of my life. I talked my psychiatrist into taking me off of a medication that caused me to gain weight because I was feeling good and didn't think I needed it. I wanted to try a different medication instead. Something that would allow me to not be fat (can you blame me?). Turns out that medication was working very well in controlling my depressions and going off of it was a very poor decision (on my part, not my psych's). I fell and I fell hard. Since then, my psych has been very careful about watching me....and my husband is on me like a fly on shit. But I like that. I will concede to the fact that I need help with this. I need them to back me up and make sure I can stand. Because when I fall there's no way I can get back up without them. Not just the medicine thing, but the support to get through the dip, just the reminder that this is a wave and soon I will be back to "normal" (whatever that may be).
I'm a control freak....wait let's say that better....Hello, My name is Taylor Lee Sawyer, and I am a control freak. "Hi Taylor!" It has been about 3 seconds from the last time I have been in control.... For someone that needs to be in control so much, it's a cruel cruel joke that God plagued me bipolar disorder! Or should we look at it less as a joke and more of a lesson? I constantly need to remind myself that it is ok when I am not in control (especially about this) and it's ok when I have to ask someone to help me through this. Luckily, I have the best husband EVER....and some pretty terrific friends and family too.
So it's been almost a year. I've been doing fab. I actually made it through a lot in the last year with out falling off the edge--my favorite uncle passed away after a long battle with cancer, I've had pneumonia and bronchitis twice this winter and then got slammed with Influenza B which STILL hasn't cleared up after 5 weeks, and so on and so forth. So why in the hell am I slumping right now??? Is it that I turned 30? Is it because Spring is having a really hard time beating Winter out? Is it because I'm more busy with work than I have ever been (which is actually a good thing) and it's becoming overwhelming? Or maybe I'm getting my period soon and I should just "get over it"...I have no clue. But the fact is, I'm down.
For the first time in a year, I've had a really rough couple of weeks where I have longed for my bed and a dark dark room to wallow in. I've been crying at the tip of a hat. And sometimes the crying lasts a really long time. I've been unmotivated and overwhelmed when faced with any task, even the minute ones like picking out clothes to wear. I've even had thoughts of cutting again (but have not acted on them).
Rest assured, my husband and therapists are fully aware of my state, so I won't fall off the deep end. But the fact remains that I'm stuck. I called my therapist yesterday while laying on the floor in my closet when I got overwhelmed trying to find some clothes to throw on to run errands (see, I wasn't exaggerating with that example). She said that no medicine or therapy is ever going to completely control these dips. She reminded me that it will get better soon, so "Ride the wave", she said. I have to trudge along trusting that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I can't see it right now. That may seem like some shitty advice, but really, just someone understanding and admitting that this is real helped immensely. I got dress...but I didn't shower because that was way too much work. I went and did what I had to do. And I felt better. Granted after it was all done, I went back to wishing I was in bed and away from the world...BUT the big thing is that I know I can get through this and I will like I always have before.
When I used to blog, it was all about this. Living with a mental illness. When I started this blog, I decided that it wouldn't be all about this. And I should remind you that I haven't felt like this in a loooooong time. So don't worry. I may throw this in now and again, but I'll be back to my normal wit and charm soon enough. But maybe this will help you understand others who may be in my same predicament.
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