Bridesmaids should wear jammie pants and tank tops!

That's it!  I'm starting a new trend!  Bridesmaids from now on will where pajama pants and tank tops...maybe even big fluffy bunny slippers.  That way all the attention will be put on the bride...the beautiful glowing bride who spent hundreds to thousands of dollars on her gown, hair, make-up, flowers, etc.  Why should a bridesmaid get a schnazzed up?  It's the bride's day.  All the attention should be on her.

Ok ok, truth be told, I want to dress up and be all fancy.  I want to have my hair done, use my contacts instead of my glasses, get fake nails, have someone else do my make-up, and wear a pretty pretty princess gown.  It's just such a freaking horrific chore for fat girls to find dresses!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, my mom, my friend Angie, and I went to a bridesmaids dress store in Fowler called Becker's.  Before I go on, I should mention that we all think Becker's is trying to take over that itty bitty town as there's Becker's Bridal, Becker's Formal, Becker's Mens, and Becker's Furniture.  We were actually quite disappointed that there was no Becker's Bar and Grill.  After all, every woman needs a good stiff drink after trying on bridesmaid dresses.

Angie and I are the same build...probably about the same weight.  My boobs are a lil bit bigger, but that's only because she had a reduction (lucky!).  Both of us fit right in between a 16 and an 18.  We also have very similar personalities.  So although I knew the whole dress thing was gonna suck, I knew I would be laughing through the whole thing.

We start picking through the dresses and realize that every single one is size 10.  "Sample size", as the ladies there called it.  I call it "Make-you-feel-like-meat-stuffed-in-sausage-casing size".  Yes, that is more suiting.  Regardless, we wanted to try to find something...or maybe we just wanted a good laugh.  So we pulled a bunch of dresses.  Me with 16, Ang with like 4 (maybe).  What Angie didn't know is that mom and I are pros at this now. I can get in and out of a dress in 6 seconds flat. Well...I can if it doesn't put my boobs in jail that is.

I've decided that if I ever want to dress just one of my boobs, I will purchase a size 10.  Or one of my thighs...Or if I feel like trying to suck in my hips (I've tried it, bones are stubborn buggers).  After just 45 minutes of trying on dresses we both gave up.  However, we laughed a whole bunch.  Angie and my mom stood outside of the dressing room saying they were going to record my grunts and curses while the dresses got caught on my boobs or my back sweat (you try to get in and out of a dress 6 sizes too small and do it without sweating), wouldn't fit over my hips, made my tummy look like I was 6 months pregnant...and while I made at least two zippers bust.

We walked out with one of the sales women (wearing less than a size 6, mind you) following after us saying, "Did you find everything ok?"  "Well, ma'am, I couldn't find anything that fit my big toe, so *shrug* can't tell what they would look like on me if they were in my size."  Her reply, "The companies only send us 10 for the samples."  My retort, "Tell those companies to send you 10 and 20, that way skinny minnies can try on dresses, and us big girls, which there are more of, will be able to as well.  You'll probably sell more!"  Ta ta!

Off to lunch and some chit chat among friends.  I love Angie.  I wish I saw her more often.  When she got up to visit the ladies' room, mom said, "She's just like you!"  This is so true.  She really made me feel so much better about dress shopping.  In fact, as mom and I went on to Lansing, and Angie returned home to be with her kids while her hubby went to a doctor's appointment, I lamented that she should be with me.  She would keep me grounded.  She would make it fun.  She would make me feel less crappy about myself.  Alas, it wasn't so...onward to more self-esteem crushing!

Mom and I went to Lett's in Lansing next.  We pulled about 10 dresses amongst the two of us, and anything I couldn't pull up over my hips or down over my boobs got immediately tossed.  I'm pretty sure we got through those dresses in 10 minutes.  I actually found one I really liked. It was quite similar to the one I liked at David's Bridal the last time we went shopping.  It had thick enough straps that I could wear a normal bra and feel like my boobs were secure.  It hid my spare tire and love handles. I felt pretty. 

We took the dress out to this young sales chick (I can't even call her a woman!) and asked to how long it would take to order.  She looked it up and it would be in by the end of June.  So I asked for her to take my measurements to see what size I would need.  If I wanted to go with that dress, then my mom, who works in Lansing, which is over an hour drive and about $38566 in gas to get there, would be able to come in and order it after we shopped around at other stores.  "We only measure if you are ordering."  And the little, young, sassy snot said it so smugly.  I wanted to punch her in the face.  Instead, we walked out without another word.  I don't have time, patience, or the money to return to the store again to order.

I decided then that the one from David's Bridal was, in fact, the one, so we went off to the DB in Okemos to check it out again and see what size I would need.  We easily found the one in both 16 and 18, of course they were in the wrong color, but that's ok, just trying it on for the size.  I put the 16 on first, and remarkably, it fit me PERFECTLY!  How about that for a confidence booster???  We grabbed the "consultant" (really, she was just my lacky-bitch, so why give her a cool title like that?) and told her to go figure out how long it would take to get in.  Now, when we were at DB two weeks ago they said 8 weeks.  When the lacky came back and said, "August", I almost shanked her.  My sister's wedding is on July 31.  I finally found the one dress that makes me feel pretty and confident and you are telling me it's going to take 4 months to get it??!!  This right after she says to us that the color we are wanting to get is a popular color and they make a lot of them so it shouldn't take more than 8 weeks at the most.

I felt hopeless.  First, I can't find anything that looks good on me, then I get told that the one that I actually like isn't possible.  My mom thought systematically constructing logistical ways to get it.  Where as I fell apart.  I just felt like giving up, and I seriously thought about telling my sister just to ask one of her skinny friends to be in her wedding and I would just be the most awesomest photographer in the world for her.  I tried to complain, I tried to whine.  Mom put her foot down and said, "I will get it!"

To take my mind of off it, we went to Hobby Lobby.  I love crocheting and have been trying to figure out how to make bunny ears on a hat stand upright, so I needed to find something to use for that.  But upon walking into the store, I was smacked in the face with a plethora of affordable photography props!  I was drooling, I think.  Mom wandered off to look for something as I walked up and down the aisles picking out things I wanted to put newborn babies in!  Success!  On a day of craptastic unsuccessful shopping, I found something to be successful about!  I walked out of that store with a large terra cotta pot, a little vintage looking treasure chest, the stuff I needed to make the ears stick up and a large foam board to use as a light reflector for studio use...and it was only $18!!!!  I'll be visiting that store again!

Alright, so, I'm feeling a little better and my sister calls.  She called a DB to ask if there is a way at all for us to get the dress.  They looked on the database to find what stores have F14050 in size 16 in the color of Lapis on the rack.  ONE dress in this nationwide franchise is available on the rack only in Colorado.  I felt a little better.  They could pull the dress and ship it to me.  Then they popped my bubble....turns out the dress was not on the rack at all.  I seriously wanted to tell the lady to go raid all the dresses the potential bridesmaids there were trying on.  Search, Woman!  Search!  You have no idea what this dress means to me!!!!

What's next?  Well, maybe we could find it one size bigger and then have it taken in.  We had them look in the database again, and there were TWO!  And guess what?  It's going to be in my hands on Wednesday!  THE dress, THE color...just one size too big, but we can work with that.

Feel free to hate this mini-sized model. I do!

Are you cheering yet?  Through all this torture and pain, I finally found one.  And I WILL feel beautiful on my sister's wedding day.  I cannot tell you how much of a relief that is!



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